“Considering you force us to drop it every time we’re in this situation, I wouldn’t call it having an argument,” I snap, smoothing my shirt back into place.

He turns from me and leans against the dresser, and I can’t decide if I should slip out. Is this my cue to exit, because he’s done talking? Or does he expect me to stay? It’s hard to know since he isn’t telling me anything these days. After a few minutes I stand to leave, an embarrassed blush creeping onto my neck.

“Don’t go,” he says softly.

I stop and wait.

“This isn’t easy for me,” he continues.

“And it is for me? Do you think I’m happy here?” I wonder if I’m even capable of happiness anymore, but I don’t say this to Jost. Too much moving forward. Too much planning the next move. There’s no time for happiness, and it’s becoming clear that there’s no possibility of it with what we’ve discovered here. If we can’t get lost with each other, what’s the point?

“I could be happy with you anywhere if…”

And there it is: if. I’m not sure what I expect him to say. If you were happier. If you hadn’t brought Erik. If we weren’t caught in the middle of a war. If. If. If.

“Don’t you understand that we can’t sleep together?” he finally asks. It’s the last direction I expected this conversation to go in.

“Is that what this is about? Sex?” My voice peaks on the word.

“Ad, if we have sex, we can’t go back.”

I stare at him for a long moment, hoping he’ll elucidate what he means, because it makes no sense to me.

“Wait,” I say slowly, starting to grasp the heart of the problem. “Is this because of purity standards?”

“Of course,” he says. “If we have sex, we could go back to Arras to rescue the girls, but your skill is our most powerful weapon. We’ll never get to Sebrina or Amie without it.”

It’s hard to tell which emotion wins out at this proclamation: anger, annoyance, relief? They mingle and leave a sour taste in my mouth.

“You know purity standards aren’t real, right?” I hate how condescending I sound, but I thought Jost was smarter than this.

“How do you know that, Adelice?”

“Seriously? Because Cormac told me but also because half of the Spinsters were sleeping with officials and valets.” I bite my tongue to keep from using Erik as a definite example of this phenomenon.

“Are you willing to risk the girls on a hunch?”

That does it.

“Why don’t you ask your brother?” I say, without hiding the seething frustration in my voice.

“So he screwed Maela. That hardly proves your point. She didn’t have any talent anyway.”

“Well, what about Enora?” I ask. “I’m sure she and Valery, you know…”

“Do you know?” he counters. “Did either of them tell you? Have you asked Valery?”

So that’s it. We’re going to have an argument without any way to prove that I’m right without risking I’m wrong. Perfect.

“Cormac wouldn’t have been planning to marry me if sex was going to destroy my skills,” I argue, because I’m sure that was where most of his attraction to me lay.

“But he knew how to map you. He could have fixed your skills after or given them to someone else and kept you home…”

Barefoot and pregnant. The thought is enough to make me sick.

“You are going to have to trust me on this, Jost. It’s a lie. Ask Erik,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest. “On second thought, don’t. That would be weird.”

“Come here,” he says, the hostility of his tone dropping off. I bury my face in his chest and marvel at how soft his shirt is and how, even now a world away, it still smells the same as it did in Arras. His scent makes something ache in my chest, but I’m not sure if it’s longing or sadness now.

“Ad, it won’t be much longer, and then…” He trails off, and I can almost hear the hesitation in the air.

“Then?” Surely he won’t reject me then.

“Then we can be a family,” he says, and now I understand.

If sex is the topic Jost is skirting around, then family is the one I’m trying to avoid. I want Amie and Sebrina back, but I’m not sure I’m ready to be a family. Going back for the girls isn’t where things end, it only puts me in more danger than ever. Danger I want to avoid placing the girls in.

“What if we can’t be?” I whisper.

Jost’s eyes narrow and I can see the condemnation in them. “Because you don’t want her.”

I want to deny this. I want to explain the danger and my need to protect Amie and Sebrina, but I can’t. So I don’t say anything at all, which is probably worse.

“I didn’t ask you to be her mother, Ad,” he says quietly, but his tone is anything but soft. It tears with accusation. “Why did you even tell me she was alive?”

“How can you ask that?”

“It’s what I’m honestly wondering,” he says. “Why are you even here now?”

“I-I-I care about you,” I stammer, shocked at the way his words cut. “We belong together.”

“Maybe we did in Arras, but what about when we get them back?” he asks. “I can’t abandon my daughter. I thought you understood that. What about your sister?”