She crosses her arms and speaks to me matter-of-factly. “I am always serious when it comes to sex. While it’s true that I happen to have some experience with the aforementioned during a recent bout of the stomach flu and Tyler insisting it was the only way he could stop throwing up, I assure you it wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”

I never thought I’d see the day when I’d rather talk about Bronies…

“I’m not making fun of you, Molly,” she continues. “To avoid any confusion, my advice would be to tell Marco the truth. If he knows you’re a virgin, his expectations won’t be as high and you won’t constantly be worrying that he’s waiting for you to do something.”

I shake my head at her and roll my eyes. “I can’t just come right out and tell him something like that, it’s embarrassing.”

“Really?” she scoffs. “More embarrassing than our father picturing Marco spraying his seed all up in your business whenever he looks at you?”

“Eeeeeew!” I groan in disgust. “Come on!”

“It’s not like you have to give him all the details about Quinn Curtis in the back of his dad’s Honda Civic and explain that you sort of had sex, but you’re still a virgin because they guy has a micro penis,” she informs me.

“Jesus, is there anything Charlotte DIDN’T tell you?” I complain.

“Oh, Charlotte didn’t tell me that. I read your texts two days after prom,” she informs me with a shrug. “Don’t feel bad. I dated his older brother for a week in high school and gave him a blowjob after a football game. I open my mouth wider when I whistle. It runs in the family.”

I close my eyes and start rubbing the tips of my fingers against my temples, wondering if it’s possible for a brain to literally explode.

“Here, let’s practice,” she announces. “Repeat after me. Marco, I haven’t lost my virginity yet.”

I drop my hands from the side of my head and glare at her.

“I’m not just going to blurt out that I haven’t lost my virginity. I didn’t lose it, I know exactly where it is. It’s in my vagina where it will remain until the right time comes along,” I tell her indignantly.

“This guy has seen Uncle Drew’s balls!” she argues. “In a Walmart parking lot, for God’s sakes! There is no such thing as the right time when Uncle Drew’s balls have already made an appearance. Do you want to have sex with this guy?”

I roll my eyes and sigh. “Yes.”

“Then be loud and be proud!” she shouts, throwing her fist in the air. “I haven’t lost it yet, but I want to lose it with you!”

Since I made the mistake of staying in the room and letting Ava give me her stupid expertise instead of plugging my ears and running away as fast as I could, I might as well get this over with so I can pretend like it never happened.

“I haven’t lost it yet, but I want to lose it with you,” I mumble under my breath.

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you,” she says, holding her hand to her ear.

“I HAVEN’T LOST IT YET, BUT I WANT TO LOSE IT WITH YOU!” I yell at the top of my lungs.

“Lost what? Do you need help finding something?”

I scream and whirl around, wishing immediately that the whole brain explosion thing would have happened a few minutes ago. I’d kind of like to be dead right about now.

“Sorry for interrupting, but the woman at the front desk told me you were in here.” Marco smiles at me before glancing over my shoulder. “Hi, I’m Marco Desoto. You must be Molly’s other sister, Ava.”

“Ooooh, an Italian Stallion,” she whispers. “You won’t have to worry about an inchworm penis with this one.”

“I heard you yelling about losing something, need some help?” Marco asks, his eyes roaming around the office.

Ava snorts unladylike and I’m too busy waiting for the floor to open up and swallow me to care.

“I’m pretty good at finding things,” Marco announces. “Did you lose your keys? Wallet? Cell phone?”

I’m unable to make my mouth work or form words, and all I can do is watch in mortification as he starts digging through the couch cushions of the love seat against the wall.

“Am I hot or cold?” Marco asks as he moves to a side table and pulls open the drawer.

“I don’t know, what do you think, Molly?” Ava laughs.

“I know it’s stupid, but did you try your pants?” Marco asks, oblivious to how much enjoyment Ava is getting out this. “I think I lose things all the time and then find them in the most obvious places.”

He walks right up to me and starts patting my hips while my sister tries to stifle her giggles behind me.

“I think you’re getting warmer, Marco. I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for in her pants,” Ava informs him.

Even though the combination of wanting to die and the feel of Marco’s warm hands running up and down my hips has turned me stupid, I finally manage to recover enough bodily function to turn my head and glare over my shoulder at Ava.

“I will murder you in your sleep,” I whisper through clenched teeth.

She ignores me, grabbing an old-fashioned calligraphy dip pen from the top of mom’s desk that she found at an antique store a few months ago, holding it up in the air.

“Oh, look! I found it!” she announces with a big smile. “It’s a gift for you, Marco. Molly tried to give it to someone else a few years ago, but he didn’t know what to do with it.”

I snarl at her as Marco drops his hands from my hips and reaches around me to take the pen from her outstretched hand.

“Wow, this is pretty cool,” he muses. “I actually know how to use one of these, too. I took a calligraphy class as an elective in college.”

“Awwww, did you hear that, Molly? He knows what to do with this gift you’re giving him,” she says happily.

“You just have to be careful. It can get really messy if you go too fast or don’t know what you’re doing,” Marco adds.

“Very messy, especially the first time. Never use it on a bed with white sheets,” Ava says with a nod.

“A bed?” Marco laughs. “On top of a table is a better idea.”

Her eyes light up. “Ooooh, kinky. I like you already, Marco.”

Grabbing Marco’s hand before this gets even more out of hand, I drag him to the door, staring at Ava as I go, making sure my eyes convey that she should sleep with one eye open for the rest of her life.

“It was nice meeting you, Ava!” Marco shouts as I pull him out the door.

“See you soon, Humpy banana penis!” she yells back.

Marco groans as I hustle him down the hall and as far away from my sister as possible.

“Oh, God, she saw the texts I sent you? This is mortifying,” he complains as I push open the front doors of the building and pull him outside.

“Don’t talk to me about mortifying until your sister tells you about giving her boyfriend a hand-job to make him stop puking,” I mutter.

“Wait, that’s a thing? I can’t believe I’ve wasted all these years asking for 7-up when there was a much better alternative,” he says in awe.

I can’t believe the things that come out of your mouth remind me of something my family would say, and it makes me like you even more.

I need therapy.

Chapter 12

– Dammit, Ian –

Marco

I know it would be wrong to ask Molly to say “hand-job” again just so I can stare at her lips as they form the words, but that doesn’t stop me from silently wishing upon a star.

Spending two days away from her was the worst decision I’ve ever made. She didn’t look as happy to see me as I’d hoped when I walked in on her and Ava a few minutes ago. I don’t know if it’s because she’s pissed at me for my disappearing act, pissed at me for the God awful drunk texts Rosa sent to her after I’d passed out on our mother’s kitchen floor, or pissed at me that I didn’t find what she’d lost back in the office. Right when I opened my mouth to apologize for all three just to cover all the bases, she had to go and say “hand-job,” and now my dick and my brain are doing shots and partying it up in the gutter instead of paying attention.