She dips her head a little and pulls out a piece of paper from her bra. She unfolds it as she looks over at me, not even bothering to hide her smirk.

I blink again, breaking my trance. I try to stand up and go to her, but I'm tied to the fucking seat. “Untie me,” I demand. Shem throws his hands up and walks off the stage. “Sorry, Prez, got the orders from Queen Alizabeth,” he says, pointing to Allie.

Allie says, “So I know that you boys had plans to roast your dear president, and I'm sure you have a lot of material. But believe me, mine’s better.”

The boys cheer.

“Allie,” I warn.

She faces me and smirks. “You got your turn on the stage, now it's mine.”

This brings on a round of oohs and aahs from the boys. It's like we're in middle school and they're waiting for a fight. I'm surprised no one's started that chant yet.

Allie pretends to read off the note. “The sexual failures of Tyler West,” she announces.

“No,” I whisper. I feel like I'm watching the beginning of a D grade porno. But with no sound. I’m completely fucking clueless to what’s happening.

“Junior year—Tyler started dating his first girlfriend. He was so whipped that when he'd come, he'd yell out 'I'm sorry!'”

The boys erupt with laughter. I drop my head in shame, and the worst part, it's only just begun. I try to remember all the stories I'd told her over the past few years. There are so many. Too many. And they're bad. But I trusted her, I never thought she'd share it—not like this.

Allie adds, “This is also the same girlfriend he tried to have car sex with for the first time. It was so bad he ended up masturbating into a Starbucks cup. He was driving her home. She was still in the passenger’s seat. She broke up with him the next day. He didn't understand why.”

I glare at Chase. “Use the horn!”

He lifts the air horn in his hand. “This horn?”

“Yes!”

He pulls his arm back and swiftly throws it over our fence and into the neighbor’s pool. “What horn?”

“You're dead.”

Allie laughs as her eyes scan the piece of paper. “Oh!” Allie squeals. “Then there was that girlfriend who you'd been dating for a couple weeks. Her grandma died and you went to the funeral with her. Afterward, you tried to get in her pants and made a joke about mourning wood. She broke up with you on the spot.”

The laughs and guffaws are continuous now, only quieting down when Allie speaks.

“And there was that girl you only got to second base with. You said her boobs were soft like a sponge-cake. She couldn't stop laughing at you and you were too embarrassed to ever see her again.

“And the girl who punched you during sex because you slapped her tits to see the 'pendulum swing.'

“Oh my god,” she squeals with laughter. “I totally forgot to put in there that time when you were fifteen and had to go to the dentist because you chipped your tooth.”

“NO!” I shout.

She just laughs. “For weeks I asked how you did it and you wouldn't tell me. Finally, you admitted that you were furiously jerking off and your hand slipped and slammed you right in the face!

“Oh shit,” she says, her eyes moving from side to side. “There are so many here I don't know which one to go with next. Maybe about that time your girlfriend's dad invited you to a baseball game and you got a boner during the national anthem. Apparently that's what you sing in your head so you can last longer.”

The boys are in hysterics now. Beer has been spat. Stomachs have been held. Tears of joy have been shed.

If she's trying to ruin me, she's doing a good job.

I sit still with my head lowered, no longer able to watch the destruction. How is this my life?

“Or how about that time you were doing a girl from behind and she asked you to 'milk her like a cow' and for some reason that turned you on to the point of instant ejaculation?

“Holy shit!” Chase yells. “Is that why we have that cow print rug in the den?”

I shake my head, my body numb from Allie's verbal onslaught. I want it to be over because I know Allie—she's saving the best for last.

She speaks louder now so she can be heard over cackles of the boys.

“And that time you wanted to impress a girl who wouldn't put out and, somehow, you thought that showing her you could unlock your iPhone with your dick would do just that.

“And that time you dated that flat chested girl and you kept groping her armpit and mumbling how sexy it was. She broke up with you because she didn't date dudes with weird fetishes.” She pauses a beat. “Okay okay,” she says, and I look up at her. She has her hands up as if trying to settle everyone down. “I could go on forever. But I only have time for one more.”

She looks at me. “That time senior year when your girlfriend went away for a month…”

“Allie, no. Please.”

She giggles. “She told you if you jerked-off it would be the same as cheating. So for a month you didn't have a release…and the night comes when you can finally have sex again…”

“This is going to be so good,” Troy mumbles, giddy as fuck.

Allie attempts to contain her laughter. She does. Just long enough to get out the ending to the story. My jaw clenches tight as I wait for her to deliver the punch.

She smirks at me. “You came so hard that final thrust that you farted. The next day she told all the girls at school. They all started calling you Cum-fart!”