Chapter Seven

September 21, 2013

Eli

PULLING MY TRUCK to a stop in front of Paisley’s building, I rubbed at my eyes and cracked my neck before stepping out. I hadn’t slept last night—not that I’d slept much in the last few weeks, but there’d been nothing last night. I’d tried propping up the pillows the way Paisley always did, but it wasn’t the same without her.

I shut and locked the door behind me, and took slow steps toward her apartment as I tried to prepare myself for Brett being here again.

I knew I’d been an ass the night before, but seeing him kissing her had my blood boiling and me straining not to throw something. Because that would have helped so much. I’m gonna throw this heavy table, and you’re gonna like it. Paisley didn’t want someone turning into a caveman while he fought for her. She wanted someone to love her the way she loved them. She wanted someone not to hurt her like I’d been doing.

A sharp inhale had me freezing and my head snapping up to see my Paisley standing there in front of me. Brown eyes wide and unsure, dark hair falling softly around her face and past her shoulders, too-full lips barely opened, and looking as short and perfect as ever.

She was perfect. Why had that taken me so long to notice?

“Paisley,” I breathed.

“Why are you here?” she asked through clenched teeth.

“Because I love you, and I need—”

“You can’t just decide that now that I’m trying to be happy, Eli! You can’t come in and try to ruin this now that you’re missing me,” she seethed, but underneath that anger was so much sadness she was working at concealing.

“I do miss you, Pay,” I admitted as I closed the distance between us. She took a few steps back, and I took another forward—capturing her face in my hands so she wouldn’t try to keep moving. “But I’m not trying to ruin your happiness. I know I’ve done that more times than I can imagine . . . I know, and I’m so goddamn sorry.”

“Language,” she chastised softly.

“But this isn’t about missing my wingman. This isn’t about being afraid to lose my best friend to a guy like Brett. This is about realizing something I should have years ago, and being fucking terrified that I’m about to lose the best thing to ever happen to me.”

She swallowed hard and tried to turn her head, and when my hands wouldn’t let her, she shut her eyes.

“You can’t do this to me, Eli,” Paisley murmured. “I told you everything—I laid a decade worth of secrets and feelings out on the table, and you did not reciprocate one of those. I get that I kind of just threw everything on you all at once. I get that I blindsided you with my confession. But even if I got past you avoiding me for the following two weeks, and even if I could forget what you told me outside of Grind, I will never be able to forget how horrified you looked when I told you that I loved you. And it’s because of that image that is stuck in my mind that I can’t believe what you’re saying now—no matter how much I want to.”

Paisley hadn’t once opened her eyes throughout that, and somehow that fact made this harder. Because it just confirmed how badly I’d hurt her if she couldn’t even look at me while she said those things.

My breaths came heavily as I tried to find the words to say for her to understand how serious I was about this—about us. I wished I’d thought of something before I came over here and started fumbling my words to the point where I was sure I was making it worse.

“I want you, Paisley. I want your propped-up pillows that I hate so damn much, but know you can’t sleep without. I want to split milkshakes and cupcakes with you so I don’t have to choose one flavor and don’t have to eat the frosting. I want Sunday mornings with you every morning for the rest of our lives, because any day that starts with you is perfect. I want to always give you the first bite of my food, because I know the first bite of anything is your favorite. I want you to always get annoyed when I cuss because that face you make when I do is one of my favorites.”

Tears slipped from her closed eyes. The sight made it feel like someone was gripping my heart and slowly squeezing.

“I never want to make you cry again unless they’re happy tears. I want to know you so much better than I already do. I want to know where to kiss and touch you to make your eyes close. I want to know what to do to make you moan my name. I want to finally understand why you hate cussing so much. I want to know what you want for your future, and I want to be the one to give it to you. I love you, and I want to spend every day for the rest of my life loving you, Paisley. I’m sorry it took me so long, but please don’t take you from me.”

A few seconds passed without a response from her before she said, “I have to go.”

“Paisley—”

“Please, let me go,” she whimpered, and finally her eyes opened.

“I can’t do that,” I replied honestly.

A weighted breath left her, and she brought her small hands up to remove mine. “You need to learn how.”

I knew we weren’t talking about physically, and I wasn’t ready for this. I couldn’t let her go—I couldn’t lose her. “Don’t ask me to do that.”

She couldn’t have moved me no matter how hard she tried, but my hands still fell from her face when she shook her head and said, “I’m sorry.”

My arms fell heavily to my sides, and I stared at the sidewalk as she moved around me to leave. I wanted to keep fighting for her, I wanted to keep showing her how much I wanted this, but I was afraid that all I was doing was hurting her. And after finding out that I’d been doing exactly that for years—I wasn’t sure I could force myself to hurt her any more.

September 21, 2013

Paisley

I STARED AT the ocean; my entire body felt numb as I tried to think through what I wanted. I’d been on my way to Brett’s to talk to him when I ran into Eli, sure that I would tell Brett I wanted to continue a relationship with him. But now I was back to not being sure of anything. Neither seemed like the better choice, and, still, neither seemed like the obvious choice. There was nothing wrong with Brett other than he wasn’t Eli, and while I couldn’t use the years of Eli breaking my heart against him, I could use the past few weeks.

Like I’d told him, no matter how much I wanted to believe his words now, I couldn’t. While they were more than I’d ever wanted from him, there was still that fear that he was saying everything because he didn’t want to lose his best friend.

I sat there for hours with my arms wrapped tightly around my waist as I tried to hold myself together, and fought with myself over who I couldn’t live without.

In a daze, I stood from my spot and walked back to my car before driving to Brett’s. I still didn’t know who I would choose. All I knew was the way I’d felt when I’d seen Eli walking toward me this morning, and how much it had hurt to walk away from him. As I walked to Brett’s door, I told myself that I’d know who I couldn’t live without the moment I saw him, and then I would make my choice.

Knocking on his door, I took calming breaths as I waited for him to answer. Part of me was afraid to find out who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with—but I knew I couldn’t continue to do this to them or myself.