“I brought Selena home.” He says. “She’s had a lot to drink.”

I peer around him and Selena makes her drunken way up the stairs. Her high heels are in her hand and her handbag hangs off her elbow. Her curls are everywhere and her make-up is smudged over her lips and around her eyes.

“She always has a lot to drink.” I reply, waiting for Selena to make it to the top. When she does, I take her by the hand and pull her into the house. Her voice is rough and husky. She’s mumbling something, but I can’t understand it.

The pungent smell of cigarette and alcohol fills my nose and I scrunch my nose up. I take her shoes and her handbag and help her lie down on the couch. Seth kicks off his white sneakers and makes his way through my lounge room. Then, he turns down the short hallway towards my room.

“Hey!” I call out to him in a hushed tone. “Where are you going? Seth!”

Quickly, I pull the blue, fluffy throw rug off the back of the couch and cover the already sleeping Selena. I march into my room and Seth is lying on my bed looking at the wallpaper on my computer.

“Make yourself at home.” I say, closing the lid and sliding it underneath my bed. In the darkness I search for the switch to my lamp. When I find it, I flick it on and turn back to him.

He rolls onto his back and puts his hands behind his head, exposing the bottom of his ‘V’ shape. I stand before him with my hands on my hips and the look he has in his eyes both exhilarates and terrifies me.

“That’s a cute nighty.”

I glance down at my light green and pink babydoll. Thankfully, I wore one that isn’t see-through and it covers my bum. “Thanks. How’d you get here?”

“We caught a taxi.”

“Are you drunk?”

“I didn’t touch a drop. I let your dad take my car home. He didn’t drink either, but we made him leave his car at the exhibition center.”

Seth sits up and shuffles toward me until he’s sitting at the base of my bed, directly in front of me and only inches away.

“Did you and Selena...?”

He looks up at me from under his long, dark eyelashes. “What, have sex?”

He knows that’s what I mean, but he wants me to say it. It doesn’t matter if they did, right? Because Seth and I aren’t anything... I’m not even sure if we’re friends.

“No, we didn’t.”

Relief fills my chest and I can’t help the smile that tugs at the corners of my lips.

“She’s your friend and a little too... much, for me. Besides, she was with Jackson all night.”

I assume Jackson is the friend she was talking to when I left tonight.

“But I did look after her for you.” His fingertips brush over my knee cap and then up my thigh. Beneath his touch, my muscles tremble with need. “Jackson wanted to take her home, but I didn’t let him. She was too drunk so I brought her here.”

His head rests against my stomach and I run my fingers through his hair.

“Everyone went home with their whores and all I could think about was you.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I don’t mean it like that and you know it.”

The rough pads of his finger tips rub my naked legs and I tilt my head back to enjoy it. It’s hard to believe these hands brutally dominated another man earlier tonight. The same hands that strike hard and fast against flesh are now gently caressing my skin. I gasp as he yanks me onto him so my legs fall to each side of his thighs. His length presses hard against his jeans and into my core. My breath quickens, but I try my hardest to conceal it. His lust filled eyes bore into mine and I’m completely undone. If he touches me, he’ll find me soaked and ready, but I don’t want him to touch me there... because he’s right. I can’t separate my emotions from sex and I’ve developed feelings for him. Strange, confusing feelings. A dry lump forms in my throat and I swallow hard as his forehead rests against mine. His lips are agape slightly and his warm breath caresses my face as his hands rub my thighs. A shiver runs down my spine and Seth smiles that confident smile that I like so much.

“What are we doing, Seth?” I utter.

“I can think of a lot of answers to that question.”

I slide off him and sit on the bed. “You know what I mean.”

I don’t know what I want him to say. I don’t expect some huge romantic gesture or for him to declare his feelings for me. I just want honesty. I want respect.

“I don’t know, Olivia.” He states, falling backwards against the mattress. I follow his lead and lie next to him. His large hands brush over his face and he exhales. Perhaps, it’s too late in the night for this conversation now, or maybe it was too early in our ‘relationship’. I have work in the morning and I can’t afford to lose much more sleep. I tug on his arm and lift myself off the bed to shut off the lamp. We crawl to the top of the bed and I climb under the sheets. Seth unbuttons his shirt and slides it off. I hate that the room is dark and I can’t admire him. I hear his denim jeans crumple to the floor and my insides squeal like a horny teenager. In my head, I remind myself over and over that I won’t be having sex with Seth tonight. I’ve already let him under my skin... I can’t give him the rest of me because I’m scared of what he’ll do when he has it. His thick, warm arms wrap around me, pulling me closer to him. My back presses firmly against the front of his body and I’m having trouble keeping my head clear. It feels so good. I imagine him softly stroking my sensitive parts from behind as he breathes in my ear.

“Olivia?” His voice startles me back to reality.

“Hm?”

“Thank you for helping me tonight with the whole anxiety thing...” I can hear his vulnerability in his voice and I want to turn around and hold him… but I don’t.

“You’re welcome. Does it get worse?”

The pillow moves as he nods. “Much worse. What I experience before fights is nothing.” His thumb brushes over my wrist, sending tingles through my hand like I’ve banged my nerve on a hard surface. “Sometimes it gets really bad and I can’t breathe, at all.”

“And you don’t take medication for it?”

He shakes his head.

“Have you tried other things—other than medication like talking to someone? Whether it be a friend or a professional.”

“No thanks.”

“Seth—”

“You should be happy that I’m here talking to you about it. Usually, I punch and fuck the anxiety from my system. You are the only person who I’ve opened up to, even if it is just a crack. We don’t owe each other anything, so why not appreciate it instead of pushing for more. What do you expect from me?”

His words hit me like a ton of bricks and I feel like crying. I find myself asking the same questions over and over. Why is he here? Why isn’t he out there banging girls and punching things? I pull away from his grasp and sit up. “I don’t expect anything from you, Seth. You’re not mine and you’ve already made it clear that I’m not yours even though this is the second time you’ve slept in my bed. You’re always on me—always doing nice things, but then you destroy it with harsh words. I don’t want this. I don’t want to wait around trying to decipher what game you’re playing with me.”

Seth grabs at me and I try to slip away, but he leans forward, grabbing my thigh and my arm and pulling me back into him. My chest is flush against his and the scent that emanates from him is intoxicating. He wraps a leg around both of mine, pinning me to his hard body. His lips graze against mine and my breathing slows. “I need you, Olivia.” His hands brush through my hair and then over my shoulder. My skin tingles and I press myself harder against him. “I can’t stand to be away from you. I do nice things and say dumb shit because I’m scared. I thought I was going to hurt you, but tonight when you left and the promo girls that usually keep me company after a fight came into my room, I realized I could never hurt you, not like that.” His lips kiss mine softly. “I want you to be mine, but I’m not ready. I’m still getting used to the idea of spending the night with a girl without sex.”

I laugh, in spite of the sudden wet tears on my cheek. “You are a very confusing man.”

“Oh, it gets worse.”

I kiss him—desperately and he’s shocked, I can feel the lack of response in his lips, but it doesn’t take long for his strong arms crush me to him and his tongue runs across my bottom lip. I open my mouth and his full lips consume me. He rolls his large frame in my direction and holds himself above me. His thigh presses against the warmth between my legs and I gasp. He’s so calm and collected, whereas I’m panting and squirming. I’m so wound up, so horny and I just want a release.

“I can’t have sex with you.” He mutters against my mouth.

I run my hands down his sides and into his cotton boxers. I keep my cool and try not to make a big deal of the size of his penis. No wonder girls beg him for more. I’ve only touched one other penis in my life and that was Blade’s. His doesn’t compare to the monster that I hold in my hand right now. I slide my hand up his shaft and his muscles tremble as I graze my fingertip over the tip of his thick erection. Above me, he shudders and it’s so sexy. Having any kind of power over this beast of a man is all the foreplay I need. “You want to though.” I tease.

He moves backwards, and my hand falls from his pants. “You have no fucking idea.” He growls.

Seth presses his full weight onto me and claims my mouth with his tongue. When he pulls away, I’m breathless and ready for anything.

“You’re a good girl and I want you to be sure that this is what you want because I’m not guaranteeing anything. Not until I’m ready.” His voice is sinfully dark in my ear and when his hot breath comes into contact with my skin, electric currents ripple through me.

I run my tongue along his smooth, clean neck and nibble his ear lobe. “This is what I want...but maybe not right now.”

What the hell am I even saying? I want it now! I want it bad, but I’m not ready to lose his companionship. What if we do this and he decides not to hang around anymore? I’ve seen the way he treats girls... I don’t want to be one of them. He says he wants to make me his and I want nothing more than to believe him, but I can’t put my trust in him. Not yet.

Seth rolls off me, pulling me into his side. I like it here. I like being tucked under his arm and comforted by his warmth, but it won’t be like this forever.

“Good night, Olivia.” He mumbles, squeezing my shoulder.

“Good night.”

I curl tighter into his side. I hope in the next few weeks I can decide what the hell I’m going to do about him. It’s just a bit off fun. Is it though? I ask myself. I can’t help but to feel like it has gone way past the point of fun. Fun would have been sleeping together the night he brought me home from the club. Spending nights sex free together seems more serious than fun. I expel a quiet exhale from my lips and ask myself the same question I always ask myself in Seth’s presence. What am I doing?

***

My eyes flutter open and take a while to adjust to the bright sunlight that seeps through the gap in my curtain. I close my eyes and roll over. I extend my arm to the other side of the bed, but my skin only meets the cool mattress. I sit up and rub sleep from my heavy eyes. On the pillow is a letter with my name on it in pink highlighter. Seth’s handwriting is horrible and he spelt my name wrong the first time and scribbled it out. He got it on his second go, though. On the bedside table is an open empty notebook with a page ripped out.

I open it and can’t help the goofy smile that spreads over my face. The entire letter is written in pink highlighter. Poor guy, I guess he couldn’t find a pen.

O,

Gone to training.

Text you later.

Seth :)

My heart flutters at the nickname ‘O’. I’m so glad he picked that one over ‘Olly’. I slide out of the bed and put the note in my bedside drawer. I glance at my clock. It’s only seven a.m. I still have an hour and a half before I need to be at work. I hate working on Saturday’s. Thank God today is my last working day until Tuesday. I pull my silk dressing gown off the hook behind my door and slide into it. In the lounge room, Selena is still asleep on the couch. Her face is screwed up in a sour pout and I laugh as I make my way into the kitchen. One of her eyes open and it’s bloodshot and puffy.

“Where am I?” She moans, trying to sit up. About halfway, she gives up and lies back down.

“You’re at my house. Seth brought you back last night.”

Selena slings an arm over her eyes, shielding out the morning light. Man, I did not envy her right now. “I don’t remember anything after we got to Heaven’s and Jackson ordered a round of shots for everyone.”

“You party too hard.” I tell her, putting the kettle on. I pull a jar of instant coffee from my cupboard. I always keep some here. Whenever Selena goes on a serious one-night bender she demands coffee the next morning. If she doesn’t have it, she doesn’t function and when she doesn’t function, it’s the end of the world. Everything is a nuisance to her.

“Coffee?” I offer as the kettle bubbles to a boil.

“Good God, yes.”

She rolls off the couch and drags her sorry self into the kitchen. She pulls the milk from the fridge and hands it to me. Her hands shake as she makes her way to the bowl on the kitchen bench. It’s where I keep all of my medical stuff like band-aids, Betadine and Advil. Selena pops two pain-killers from their foil and throws them into her mouth. She hunches over the sink and gluttonously gobbles water directly from the faucet. When she straightens herself and turns to me, I can’t help the burst of laughter that comes from my mouth as I stir the milk into her coffee. She looks like shit. Her make-up is splotchy and runny and her eyes are heavy. Her usual tame, blonde curls are wrapped up in a big knotty mess and there’s a large hickey on her neck.