“Maybe not. But we both know Marco is a good person. He doesn’t deserve to be feeling the way he’s feeling.” She shrugged, shot me one last searching look, and said, “You think on that.”

My visit with Bray, Belle, and their mums was somewhat poisoned by Leah’s decision to try to force my hand in the situation with Marco.

I spent most of the day worrying about him, until I came to the conclusion I needed to stop being such a coward and call him.

There was no game playing on his part. He picked up on the second ring.

“You know how to keep a guy hanging,” he answered quietly.

“I’m just calling to tell you I want you to stop blaming yourself. I don’t blame you for what happened to me.”

“Easier said than done, Hannah. There’s a reason you broke up with me when you found out about Dylan. You said yourself that at least a part of you blames me for leaving you to deal with all that shit by yourself.”

“Honestly,” I whispered, “I did. I know that it wasn’t right, though, and I’ve worked through that. I know that what happened to me wasn’t your fault. What happened to me wasn’t anyone’s fault. We were both at fault for being irresponsible and not using protection, that’s all.”

“No. That was my fault. I was the experienced one. But it was you… and in that moment I was too lost in you to think straight.”

“Was that the way it was with Leah?” I asked caustically.

“Hannah, it wasn’t like that with her. We were both shit-faced. It’s a miracle we had enough faculties about us to get undressed and have sex, if —”

“Okay, I don’t want to hear any more,” I interrupted.

He was silent for a while and then… “It’s about Leah, isn’t it?”

“No,” I answered, and then sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Hannah, I care about Leah. She’s my friend and she’s the mother of my kid. But I love you.”

“Should it be this hard, though, Marco?” I asked. “Should it hurt this much?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what the rules are. All I know is that it means something pretty f**king important to feel this way about someone. I’d do anything for my son, Hannah. I’d do anything to protect him. To make sure he knows he’s loved. That he makes my universe turn. And I feel that way about you too. I want to protect you, I want you to know that for me there’s no one else like you. That you make my universe turn.”

My heart actually hurt in my chest.

“Hannah?”

“If it was up to how I feel when it’s just us and the world is quiet and everything seems so far away,” I told him softly, “we’d be together. I’d put it all behind me and we’d move on. But life isn’t like that. The rest of the world never goes away. Our mistakes are out there and we can’t hide from them. I don’t want to mess you around and it’s not my intention to hurt you” – my voice cracked – “but I just don’t think this is what I want anymore.”

“You don’t love me?” His voice was gruff, the way he sounded whenever he was feeling something deeply.

I hated that I was hurting him. “Marco, I’ve been in love with you since I was fourteen. And it’s hurt for eight years. I’m just not sure that’s the right kind of love.”

“I didn’t know there was a right or a wrong kind,” he whispered hoarsely.

“Perhaps not. But maybe I need a shot at an easy kind.”

“Or maybe you just need to give us a shot with all this shit out in the open,” he argued. “Hannah, when we were kids I was messed up. I didn’t give us a chance. But those two months we had before Christmas were the best f**king weeks of my life, and they would have been perfect if we’d just been honest about everything. Now all that is out there, and we can start over. It can be great. It can be easy.”

I wanted to believe that, but I was too scared. I wasn’t even going to lie to myself about it. I was terrified.

Marco could hurt me like no one else could because I loved him with everything I had. I’d allowed his mistakes, our mistakes, to bend me. However, I couldn’t let us break me.

Wiping the tears from my face with trembling hands, I prepared myself to finally make a decision.

“Hannah?”

“Marco…” My voice came out as a whisper and I had to clear my throat to get the volume back. “Because of you I’ve never given anyone a chance. If you want the whole and absolute truth, there’s never been anyone since you. I lied when you asked me when the last time I had sex was. I’ve only ever been with one man and that man is you.”

“Hannah —”

“It’s time I gave myself a chance to fall in love with someone else.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do. We’re not good for each other. You need to move on.”

“No,” he growled down the phone in a surprising and yet not so surprising response. “You’re mine. I’m yours. Don’t you dare run from that.”

“I’m not running.” More lies. “I just need a fresh start.”

“Hannah, I love you.”

“Please don’t… don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“No. Don’t give me bullshit clichés. I need to see you. We can’t do this over the phone. We can talk and we can work it out.”

Terrified at that thought because I knew that just seeing him would weaken my resolve, I hurried to deny him. “I don’t want to see you. I’m moving on, Marco, and I need you to do the same for me. Do this for me.”