“I went to college,” I say. “I didn’t end up getting very far. I was heartbroken after you left and things just weren’t working out for me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to move on.”

“That’s a shame. You are so fucking smart.”

“Anyway, I travelled a bit, dated a little, but in the end I’ve been restless for ten years. Nothing ever felt right. Then I heard you were back in town, and God, I was so scared to come and see you. I never knew why you left; I didn’t know if it was me, or if something horrible had happened. There were times I thought you were dead.”

My voice hitches and he squeezes me tighter.

“When I walked into that bar, I was so sure you’d know who I was and you looked right through me . . .”

“I’m sorry, Emalie.”

“I know you are.”

“I can’t change what happened then, but can we try and see what happens now?”

“Of course,” I whisper.

I hope I’m being one hundred percent honest, because knowing he still loves Pippa is a big problem for me.

Because I’m so in love with him.

CHAPTER TWENTY

THEN – MALI

“You said it was nearly done with!” I cry, staring at Rainer’s black eye.

“Emy, you have to trust me,” he growls. “Honestly, I’m doing the best I can.”

“You’re being beaten. What’s next, Rainer? Will you get killed?”

He flinches but he doesn’t say no. That does something inside me—it rips my chest wide open. He’s in danger, more than I’d first thought. Fear creeps up my spine and I start to tremble. “Rainer?” I breathe. “You’re in that much trouble.”

His eyes flash to mine and I know, I just know, that he most certainly is.

“Is it really worth it?” I scream. “God, Rainer, is it?”

“I have to sort this mess out, or it’ll come back here and ruin my life and yours. Trust me on that, Emalie. If I could just walk away I would, but there’s no fucking way I can. I’m in too deep.”

“So it’ll all be worth it when you get killed?” I wail.

“I won’t get killed, I—”

“You can’t promise me that, can you?”

He steps forward, extending his hand. “No!” I yell, slapping it away. “Don’t touch me, Rainer. Don’t you touch me.”

“I’m sorry, kid. I’m doing everything I can.”

“What about me?” I whisper, my voice shaky. “What about what this is doing to me?”

“I know and I’m sorry . . .”

“I’ve barely seen you; I worry myself sick constantly. Why did you do it, Rainer? Why did you enter into this with me if you didn’t want to be here?”

He steps forward, his hands in his hair. “Because I fucking love you and want to keep you safe.”

“I’m not safe without you,” I sob. “I’m nothing without you. Can’t you see that?”

“It’ll be over soon,” he whispers.

Tears run down my cheeks as I meet his eyes. “You said that three months ago.”

“Emalie . . .”

“It’s my eighteenth birthday tomorrow,” I whisper, “and you’re not even going to be there, are you?”

His eyes flash with pain. “If I could . . .”

“Don’t finish that sentence.” I hiccup. “Just don’t. Leave, Rainer.”

“Baby, listen to me . . .”

“Leave!” I scream.

He drops his head and turns, walking out and leaving me in agony.

~*~*~*~

“Happy birthday!” everyone cheers, throwing their hands up and clapping.

I smile weakly at the mass crowd, but it’s not there and it doesn’t reach my eyes. No one can see that, though. No, these are all people from school who came along for the sake of pretending to be my friends so they could see my house and relish in my parents’ money. I don’t care for it. I don’t want anything but Rainer, and part of me hoped he would be here, but he’s not.

“How are you liking your epic party?” Kenny asks, throwing his arms around my shoulders.

“Fine,” I mumble, taking a knife and cutting the cake.

People clap and cheer again, and a Happy Eighteenth sash is thrown over my shoulders. I smile for a few cameras and then I disappear through the crowd and outside into my courtyard that thankfully, no one is in. They’re all favoring the pool. I flop down onto a bench seat and put my face in my hands.

“Hey,” Kenny says, sitting down beside me. “You okay?”

“He’s not here, Kenny,” I say and my voice cracks. “He’s into something bad and he’s not here. I never know if he’s going to come back to me, or if I’ll get the call that tells me he’s dead.”

“It’s that bad?” Kenny asks, giving me a concerned look.

I drop my head again. “Yes, I think it is. Something awful could happen to him, and I don’t know how to stop it.”

“Have you considered talking to the police?”

“No,” I whisper, rubbing my hands over my face. I’ve thought about it a million times, but when I found out about the kind of people he’s been dealing with, I realized I could put him in more danger than it’s worth. “Because that could end up being the thing that kills him.”

“Maybe you have to trust him on this one.”

My body shakes in a sob. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him, but how much more of this can I take of this? It’s my eighteenth, Kenny, and he’s not here.”

Kenny goes silent and just sits, rubbing my back for what seems like an age. I stop crying but keep my head hung. About fifteen minutes in, he stops rubbing and makes a gasping sound. Then he taps my shoulder. “You have a visitor.”

I lift my head and gasp when I see Rainer standing at the entrance to the courtyard. He’s wearing a pair of faded denim jeans, a black tee and boots. His hair is perfectly messy and his eyes are warm. He’s got flowers and presents in his hands. People are standing behind him, girls gasping and fanning themselves over the gesture he’s presenting to them.

Kenny stands and walks over to Rainer, patting him on the shoulder before waving his hands at the on-looking crowd. “Shoo, shoo!” he says, chasing them all away.

When they’re gone, I stand and stare over at Rainer. His eyes take in the brand new dress my mother brought me, which is black with a glitter-like sheen over it. It isn’t tight, but instead touches my feet in a long, smooth, elegant fashion. My hair is down and straight, and I’ve got a little makeup on.

“You look beautiful, Emy,” Rainer breathes, stepping forward.

“I didn’t think you were coming,” I croak.

He turns and places his armful of stuff down and then straightens, studying my face. He reaches over and strokes a tear away before it starts running down my cheek. “Baby, I’m sorry,” he murmurs, stepping even closer and wrapping his arm around my waist. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take,” I say in a shaky voice.