I can’t think about how life will change if Carey never comes home.

I’m scooting untouched pancakes around my plate when the front door swings open and a bunch of girls from our school’s cheer squad walk in. A few of them sport red, splotchy cheeks and look like they have been crying, including Angel and Nikki. They must know about Carey. Like me, they’ve come to Bob’s for pancakes and comfort. When Angel spies me, she tenses with anger, and I know my father was right. Seeing me makes things worse for everyone. Six months of hating me and this news will only feed their rage.

I throw money on the table to cover my check and rise to leave. I feel their eyes on me, and shame heats my face.

I bargain. If I can just make it to the door, I will never show my face here again. If I can leave without being humiliated today, I will take whatever my old friends dish out tomorrow. Just please, not today, when I feel bloody and raw. I’m almost past the squad’s table. Please . . .

A foot sneaks out and hooks my leg. I crash to the tiled floor, my knees and one elbow breaking my fall. Nobody laughs in the sudden silence. I gasp in pain.

“Watch where you’re going, slut.”

Nikki. Her eyes narrow. She hates me, but usually she’s just a follower. Jamie starts most of the crap. Jamie, who has loved Carey ever since that day he saved her from her father. Today, with the news of Carey’s disappearance still fresh, Nikki doesn’t need Jamie to humiliate me.

Clamping a hand on their table, I pull myself to my feet. A tear leaks out and my knees throb like hell. Angel won’t even look at me, her petite face turned away as if to deny I exist.

Anger has saved me every time they’ve hurt me these past few months, but I can’t find it now. Maybe because I think I deserve this in some twisted way, though not for the reason they think. Embarrassment flickers through me, and I shrink under the weight of everyone’s judgment.

I force myself to find a backbone, and lift my chin in defiance. Nikki flinches like I’m going to hit her when I lean forward. As if.

“Did that make you feel better about Carey, Nikki?” I ask in a quiet voice.

She crosses her arms and drops her gaze, in a small way acknowledging that Carey would have hated what she just did to me. He always rooted for the underdog, and they all treat me like a dog these days.

“Me neither,” I whisper.

The silence is terrible. Angel finally grounds out, “Just leave, Q. Nobody wants you here.”

From anyone else, those words would have hurt. Coming from Angel, they make my breath hitch in a sob before I stifle it.

I limp to the door, bruised in places they can’t see. And I feel pathetic, because all I want is for one of them to be my friend again and tell me everything will be okay. Six months ago, they would have. I took it for granted.

You never know what you have until it’s too late.

*   *   *

Ten months ago, Carey had come home for a brief leave. He had graduated a semester early so he could start BT sooner. For the three months he’d been gone, we’d only spoken through letters and a couple quick phone calls.

If he had seemed different that May, I ignored it. I was too relieved to have him with me again. If it seemed like he didn’t have a lot of time for me during that leave, I ignored that, too, because I thought, like me, he might be struggling with the separation looming before us.

The last time Carey, Blake, and my friends were all together was on Carey’s last day of leave. The Breens had thrown a party to celebrate his graduation from BT and his departure to Camp Geiger, where he’d make the transition from Marine recruit to combat-ready Marine. I hated the sound of “combat ready” and all that went with it, but Carey wanted to be a Marine more than anything. So I supported him, and arranged a surprise after-party. A party parents weren’t invited to.

Angel and Nikki helped me plan everything and decorate Blake’s house early in the day. They handled getting everyone there, and my job was to bring Carey. He thought I’d planned a quiet night at Blake’s, just the three of us, so he was shocked when fifty of his friends erupted in cheers and hoots when he walked in the door.

Blake gave Carey one of those half-hugs guys give each other, smacking him on the back. But Blake avoided my eyes like he’d done for the past few months.

Carey, overwhelmed by our surprise, hooked one arm around Blake’s neck and one around mine, yanking us into a close circle. Blake seemed to stiffen for a moment as he brushed up against my side before relaxing and returning Carey’s grin.

“I love you guys,” Carey said.

I shot Blake a small smile. “Would you believe he’s not even drunk?”

“We can fix that.” Blake pulled away and headed off to the kitchen where the keg lived.

Carey wrapped both arms around me, and I tucked my cheek against his chest.

His chin on my head, he said, “What’s up with you and Blake? Did you fight?”

He never missed anything where I was concerned.

I shrugged. “You know Blake. He’s always hot and cold with me. Really he only puts up with me when you’re here.”

A warm hand smoothed down my back. “You want me to talk to him?”

“Nah.” I squeezed his waist. “I missed you. I hate that you’re leaving tomorrow.”

Something shifted in his expression. Something I couldn’t read. Carey opened his mouth to speak, but Angel and Nikki interrupted.

Angel shoved us apart. “Give us a break, Barbie and Military Ken. You look serious, and that’s definitely not allowed tonight. We’re here to drink, party, and be a little reckless.” She smacked a loud kiss on Carey’s cheek. “Don’t worry about your girl, Care. Nikki and I’ll take care of her.”