* * *

Zach: Goaty is MINE.

* * *

Me: I just spit my coffee all over the kitchen. You named your goat GOATY? That’s dumb. We’re changing that.

* * *

Zach: Can you come up with something better?

* * *

Me: Literally anything is better than Goaty.

* * *

Me: Casper?

* * *

Me: Nah. Vanilla Swirl.

* * *

Me: NO WAIT! MARSHMALLOW!

* * *

Zach: Are you hungry?

* * *

Me: Starving. I’m about to cook breakfast.

* * *

Zach: Explains the food-themed names. Though I do like Marshmallow…hmm…

* * *

Me: It’s the PERFECT name. We can even buy a dark brown one and a tan one and name them Graham Cracker and Milk Chocolate.

* * *

Zach: Did you just create a s’more out of my future goats?

* * *

Me: …maybe.

* * *

Zach: Is this indicative of how hungry you are? You’re thinking about s’mores at six AM? When’s the last time you ate?

* * *

Me: For your information, it is ALWAYS okay to be thinking about s’mores. They’re fucking delicious.

* * *

Me: Also, I’m not sure. I think I had popcorn at like six last night? I missed dinner and I’ve been busy catching up on stuff since I got home from work.

* * *

Zach: YOU’VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT?

* * *

Me: No. Well, sort of. I took a two-hour nap.

* * *

Zach: Go nap, Delia! I mean, eat first, but then go nap.

* * *

Me: I’m going, I’m going…

* * *

Zach: One last thing…

* * *

Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

* * *

Me: MARSHMALLOW IS EATING A MARSHMALLOW

* * *

Me: P.S. Cute chick slippers.

* * *

Zach: Excuse me, Wonder Woman is the shit.

* * *

Zach: Now hush and go sleep.

Me: I have napped and refreshed myself. What’s good?

* * *

Zach: I’m currently on an adventure with my roommate. We’re getting toys, food, and supplies for Marshmallow.

* * *

Me: Did you even check to see if you’re allowed to have him as a pet?

* * *

Zach: Pfft. I’m the master of research. *runs off to Google*

* * *

Me: Tsk, tsk.

* * *

Me: WAIT! What if you’re not allowed to have him? What will you do with him then?!

* * *

Zach: Excellent news! Since I technically live outside city limits, I can keep him! We’re going to have the best of times.

* * *

Me: I want to pet him. Is he with you now?

* * *

Zach: Yeah, he’s in the car with my roomie while I grab his essentials.

* * *

Zach: Ugh. I’ll have to build him stuff. I hate building things.

* * *

Me: He needs places to play!

* * *

Zach: I know, I know. I’m on it.

* * *

Me: Make sure you build it big. For his brothers…

* * *

Zach: So the S’mores clan can have a big place to play?

* * *

Me: Does this mean you’re on board with it?

* * *

Zach: The idea is growing on me…

* * *

Me: Told you I’d win. ;-)

* * *

Zach: Yeah, yeah. Hush.

Zach: This baby goat will not stop shitting.

* * *

Me: Yeah…goats do that.

* * *

Zach: He also keeps trying to eat my pants.

* * *

Me: Take them off.

* * *

Me: WAIT. That was pervy.

* * *

Zach: Are we FINALLY going to sext?

* * *

Me: Yes. But first, send me a picture of Marshmallow. I miss him.

* * *

Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

* * *

Me: Is that…your face?

* * *

Zach: Um…one-fourth of it.

* * *

Zach: Holy shit. I just realized we have never seen one another. Like, at all.

* * *

Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

* * *

Me: There, we’re even.

* * *

Zach: Wow. Your brow is so sexy. Also, are those freckles I see?

* * *

Me: Yes…and that proves how hard you studied the photo. Creep.

* * *

Zach: What did you notice on mine? Don’t lie.

* * *

Me: You have bushy eyebrows.

* * *

Me: Which I find sexy.

* * *

Me: OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE I SENT THAT!

* * *

Zach: I think your freckles are sexy.

* * *

Me: You’re only saying that because I said your eyebrows are sexy. Don’t be that guy.

* * *

Zach: The guy who gives out genuine compliments?

* * *

Me: No, the guy who says polite things when he doesn’t mean them. Like when an old lady is all, “Oh wow, I love your smile.” And you’re like, “Thanks, I love your perfume.” And then you’ve just lied because literally nobody likes the smell of old lady perfume.

* * *

Zach: I bet if you were an old lady, I’d like your perfume.

* * *

Me: Stop. It.

* * *

Me: But yeah, I bet you would. ;-)

* * *

Zach: You are so incredibly full of yourself. Well, except for when I genuinely try to compliment you on your freckles. Then you’re just a complete shithead.

* * *

Me: Did you just call me a shithead?

* * *

Zach: Yes. Shithead.

* * *

Me: That’s it, you owe me another picture of Marshmallow.

* * *

Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

* * *

Me: OMG!!!!! He’s wearing a diaper! It’s so cute. I’m crying. *sobs*

* * *

Zach: I’ve never been proud of making a girl cry before. *sobs*

Six

Me: Save me. I’m bored.

* * *

Zach: I’m not sending you dirty texts, Delia.

* * *

Me: I DID NOT SAY THAT.

* * *

Zach: Oh, please. This entire thing was a cry for dirty pictures.

* * *

Me: You are such a damn liar. You wish I wanted pictures from you.

* * *

Zach. I’m sending you one. BRB.

* * *

Me: Wow. The anticipation is killing me.

* * *

Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

* * *

Me: You took a bathroom selfie with Marshmallow?!

* * *

Zach: His first. I’m so proud of him. Hope I got his best angle.

* * *

Me: He looks great, and I love how you still don’t show your entire face.

* * *

Zach: That’ll just ruin the surprise for when you give in and finally agree to meet up with me.

* * *

Zach: I’m way cute, by the way.

* * *

Me: Bushy eyebrows and all, huh?

* * *

Zach: Is that a sexual thing you’re into? Bushy brows? HOLD ON. Did you save my picture for your spank bank?

* * *

Me: OF YOUR EYEBROWS?! No, you freak!!!

* * *

Zach: I bet you’re into weird sexual shit.

* * *

Me: Am not. I’m vanilla.

* * *

Me: Shit, that’s the last thing I should admit to a guy. I’m a horrible flirt.

* * *

Zach: Wait, we’re flirting? Shit. I would have sent you a pic of my six-pack if I had known. Hang on.

* * *

Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

* * *

Me: Okay, I was expecting beer because you’re lame like that, and a VERY small part of me was hoping for a picture of your actual abs, but this? Yeah…I wasn’t expecting this. I didn’t even know people still owned those fake abs shirts.

* * *

Zach: In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a bit of a nerd. P.S. How’d you like those muscles?

* * *

Me: Oh. Hmm…I didn’t even see. Let me zoom in real quick.

* * *

Me: That right arm appears to be a little bigger than the left. Hmm… *taps chin*

* * *

Zach: That’s my gaming mouse arm.

* * *

Me: And the nerd hits keep on coming.

* * *

Zach: How about this…you show me yours, I’ll show you mine.

* * *

Me: My what?

* * *

Zach: I don’t know. Anything.

* * *

Zach: Come on, Delia. Let’s get textual.

* * *

Me: Did you just…

* * *

Me: I can’t right now. CANNOT EVEN.

* * *

Zach: You love that I supply you with endless witty banter and say stupid shit. Come on, admit it—you like it.

* * *

Me: I do not!

* * *

Me: *whispers* I really do.

* * *

Zach: BUSTED!

* * *

Zach: Now, you going to send a pic or what?

* * *

Me: No faces, right?

* * *

Zach: No, because we’re not ruining the surprise.

* * *

Me: Fine. One moment.

* * *

Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

* * *

Zach: YOUR FEET?!

* * *

Me: Is that not what you wanted? Oh, my bad. I assumed that was what one did while sexting.

* * *

Zach: Some people are super into it, and whatever, that’s their thing, but no. GOOD LORD, NO.

* * *

Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

* * *

Me: Omg. Who painted your toenails?!

* * *

Zach: My roommate has a son who is super into nail polish right now, so I let him paint my toes for me.

* * *

Me: I have tears in my eyes. You’re amazing.

* * *

Me: Does the kiddo spend a lot of time there?

* * *

Zach: Every other weekend. He’s conked out in my bed with Marshmallow right now. They’re best friends.

* * *

Zach: How did we go from talking about sexting to talking about kids? I feel ripped off.