“Don’t you ever blame her! You did nothing to save her. Nothing to try. Your reputation was more important, just like it’s more important to you than I am.”

Red swam in front of Ben’s eyes. Blood. He was so fucking tired of seeing blood. He squeezed his lids shut, trying to see black instead. “No one tried to save her.” Not even Ben himself.

“Why are we discussing something that happened over twenty years ago? I called to discuss your behavior today. What is it going to take, Benjamin? How do I guarantee you’re not going to make things difficult for your family?”

For his family. Did he even have one of those? Had he ever? His dad spoke often of family values but he didn’t live that way.

“Do politicians do this often? Try to pay off their children? I’ll give you a hint, Congressman. I’m already rich.”

“Jesus Christ. Listen to you. You think you’re so much better than I am. You’re disgusting. You live your life in secret, fucking men because you know how wrong it is. I’ve looked into the things that occur at the places you frequent. It’s deviant. You won’t out yourself anymore than I want you to because you know you’re sick. And what did you do to save Bonnie? You gave her what she needed to do it. You were both sick, only in different ways.”

With that his father hung up the phone. Ben didn’t move. Not right away. He replayed those words, let them sink in, engrave themselves into his head because he knew his father was right. He had always been sick. No matter what had happened, he’d wanted his father’s love. He’d lied and pretended whatever he had to just to get it.

The same way he would have done anything for Tristan’s love—a different kind of love, yes, but love all the same.

And he hadn’t done anything to save Bonnie. He’d let her down. Let her die.

Ben stood, filled a new glass of bourbon. Drank. And then got ready to go out for the night.

CHAPTER FOUR

His dick still wasn’t getting hard.

Granted, he wasn’t currently playing with anyone but that was part of the problem as well. Ben couldn’t find anyone he wanted. No one gave him the urge to fuck and it pissed him off. It was all he had and he wanted it back. What the hell was wrong with him?

Ben’s eyes travelled around the room. They landed on a bench where he saw the stranger from last night, tying his toy with the toy’s arms in the air. He wrapped him beautifully, took time with each knot, to get him strung up and on display just the way he wanted him.

Ben’s skin began to tingle.

Maybe that’s what he needed—to tie a man’s body in all those beautiful knots before he fucked him.

The top had his shirt off, flaunting more of that taut, dark skin but this time he could see tattoos covering his back. He couldn’t make them out from here—tribal maybe, thick lines, curves, swirls and dips. There was another on his biceps, again, Ben couldn’t tell what it was from this distance. Tattoos weren’t usually Ben’s thing but on this man, they were sexy. Beautiful, even.

Ben watched him study his work. Watched him tug on the ropes that tied his partner to the two benches—on his back, legs spread and in the air, tied at the ankles on a beam above. When he seemed satisfied with his work, he grabbed a blindfold and wrapped it around his partner’s eyes.

They made a gorgeous fucking picture—two hard-bodied men, eager sweat making their skin glisten.

The Dom bent over and whispered something in the sub’s ear. Ben saw him shudder from across the room.

He waited for it—for blood to rush to his groin. For his cock to ache and hunger to slam into his waiting body, but still, it didn’t happen.

But he felt the heat he hadn’t experienced the last few times he’d been here.

Ben watched as the man lubed his finger and then pushed it inside the sub. First one, then two fingers as he banged the man tied up for him.

The sub moved as much as the ropes would allow, trying to ride the Dom’s fingers, speaking although Ben couldn’t hear the words. He just watched. Fucking watched and knew how raunchy this whole thing was. How dirty he was. That’s one thing his father had right about him.

Most people didn’t use sex the way Ben did. He used it as a teenager to make himself feel like a man and to forget everything else. He used it in college to get close to Tristan. Used it in law school and after to take whatever he could from Tristan because that’s all Tristan had been willing to give.

Now, he used it again. Used it to forget the cabin and forget seeing Tristan with Josiah and Mateo.

To forget Javier.