CHARLENE

Who knew finding out your boyfriend’s parents are porn stars could take a relationship to the next level? Not this woman, that’s for damn sure. It’s been three weeks since Darren met my mom, and he hasn’t decided my crazy is too much for him. In fact, for the past three weeks, I’ve seen more of him than usual. We’ve had more sleepovers in the past couple of weeks than we had in the two months before that. It’s weird. I like it. But it also makes me nervous.

Because I still have a secret, and Darren doesn’t anymore. I’ve considered telling him about The Ranch, but I don’t want to upset this new balance. I’ll tell him eventually—maybe after the playoffs are over and the expansion draft is out of the way.

I pull into the underground parking lot at Stroker and Cobb Financial Management and groan as I hoist myself out of the driver’s seat. My legs ache. So do my arms. Actually, my entire body hurts thanks to the marathon of sex Darren and I engaged in. Chicago lost last night’s game, and Darren needed a way to get out some of that pent-up negative energy. Obviously I offered to help. Hence I’m underslept and achy, but sated.

I take the elevator to the third floor. Six months ago I was offered a senior accounting position. Aside from Violet, I’m one of the youngest on staff in a senior position. Jimmy and Dean, who were hired around the same time as me and Violet, weren’t all that happy about it, and for a couple of weeks they were real dicks, but things have settled down. Mostly.

One of the perks of my promotion is that it came with a sweet office instead of a shitty cubicle and an extra forty grand a year. While I may only make a fraction of Darren’s salary, I’m doing pretty damn good for an almost twenty-six year old.

I drop my purse beside my desk and turn on my monitor so I can check emails. I’ve just finished logging in when Violet peeks her head in the door. “Do you have any snacks? I’m so freaking hungry this morning.”

“I should have something in this drawer.” I tap my desk and motion her inside while I pull up my emails. My mother has sent me a million. She still hasn’t figured out that she can text me pictures and doesn’t have to send them individually by email. “I didn’t know you were coming in today.”

“I wasn’t, but Alex wants me to come to Toronto this weekend if they go to game seven of the series, so I’m shuffling days around, just in case.” Violet only comes in to the office two or three times a week at most. The rest of the time she works from home. As awesome as it is for her, I miss having my best friend around every day. Jimmy and Dean can be fun, but they’re not Violet.

She digs around in the drawer, tossing items on my desk. “What is all this shit? Why don’t you have any good candy?”

“Probably because you ate it all the last time you were here.”

“It looks like I have to settle for this.” She sighs and unwraps a chocolate-coated granola bar. Taking a huge bite, she makes a face. “The oats totally ruin this. We should hit the Thai buffet for lunch.”

“Sure. Sounds good. I have a meeting from ten to eleven. Other than that I’m catching up on emails and reviewing accounts.” I click on an email from my mom. I assume it’s another picture from the sex convention.

Violet choke coughs at the image on the screen.

“Darren can never see this,” I say.

It’s an action shot of the masked dude administering the Heimlich maneuver when my mother auditioned for the reality show thing. It looks like he’s trying to hump me from behind. Darren would break the guy’s knees with his hockey stick for putting his hands on me. It’s worrying that the idea makes me a little excited in the pants.

“Yeah. You should tell your mom to delete that, and then you should delete it, too. Forever.”

“Yeah.” I move on to the next email, cringing as I open it. This time it’s a video of the dude giving me the Heimlich, but there’s no sound, so it really does look like he’s trying to hump me fully dressed. I rub my forehead. “I don’t know why she insists on sending these to my work email.”

Violet pats my shoulder. “Two days ago Skye told me she wore that fetish gear for Sidney. She also told me she slipped him a Viagra and his hard-on lasted so long they had to go to the emergency room. You’re welcome for that horrifying visual.”

“Is Sidney okay?”

“I think so? Skye was pretty proud of herself, so there must not be any lasting damage.”

We’re interrupted by a knock on the door. I quickly close my browser, expecting maybe Jimmy, Dean, or my boss, Mr. Stroker, but it’s none of them, and I can’t see the person on account of the huge bouquet of flowers.

“Delivery for Charlene . . . Hoar?”

“The H is silent,” Violet says with a grin.

The delivery guy lowers the bouquet enough so he can see us. “Sorry ’bout that. Where would you like these?”

“Oh, right here would be great.” I clear some papers from the corner of my desk, and he sets them on the edge.

I nearly choke on his cologne. It smells like he dumped the entire bottle on himself. My eyes are watering.

Violet coughs into her arm. “Fred?”

He adjusts his baseball cap, which sends another waft of cologne in our direction. “Violet?”

He seems familiar, but I can’t place him.

“Hey! How are you?” She coughs again.

“Good, good. Still delivering flowers. Still single.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks back on his heels. “I, uh, saw in the news that you married Alex Waters a while ago, so, uh . . . congratulations, I guess.”

Well, this is awkward.

“Thanks.”

“That offer to take you to the movies doesn’t have an expiration date, so if you ever get divorced, you can always look me up.”

“I’m taking my wedding vows pretty seriously—the whole ’til death do us part thing. Besides, he’s got a huge dick, so you know, lots of incentive to stick around.” Violet cringes, likely because she’s gone too far with her sharing.

“Right. Yeah. The, uh, condom endorsements made that pretty obvious. I guess if you’re looking to downsize to something more average, I could be your man.” He takes a step back, toward the door.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Fred’s pager goes off, and he blows out a breath. “It was really nice to see you, Violet. Hopefully I’ll deliver flowers again here soon.” He continues to back out of the office, knocking his elbow against the doorjamb. He frees one of his hands from his pockets so he can wave and disappears down the hall.

Before I can say anything, he peeks his head in the office again. “Oh, those flowers should be in direct sunlight. They’ll last longer that way.”

“Thanks, Fred.”

“Okay. Well, bye.” He disappears again.

Violet waits a few seconds before she tiptoes across my office, but she’s wearing heels, so she’s not stealthy or coordinated about it. She almost trips and falls into the hallway. She manages to catch the doorjamb before she goes down and sticks her head into the hall.

“Coast is clear, but the hallway smells like an entire high school of teenage boys doused themselves in cologne at the same time.” She smacks her lips together as we open all the windows in my office. “I’m probably going to taste that for the rest of the day.”

It’s not particularly warm out, but I’d rather freeze my nipples off than continue huffing cologne. I suck in several lungfuls of fresh air. “I think my olfactory senses are destroyed. Who the hell was that guy?”

“He used to deliver Alex’s flowers when I lived in the pool house.”

“Oh my God! I remember him! Didn’t he ask you out right after you told him you’d had Alex’s dick in your mouth?”

“That’s the one.”

“I don’t remember his cologne problem being that bad before.” I have to dab under my eyes to wipe away the tears since they’re still stinging.

“Maybe it’s gotten worse over time, like prolonged exposure to the flowers has made him incapable of smelling things.” Violet motions to the bouquet. “Are those from Darren?”

“I don’t know. Maybe?” I pluck the card from the bouquet, which is almost entirely comprised of yellow flowers with a few pinks and oranges thrown in. It’s like a sunrise. I dab my eyes again, telling myself it’s because they still sting from the cologne.

I slip the card out of its tiny yellow envelope. Darren’s neat writing fills the space.

Violet’s chin rests on my shoulder. “Wow. That’s super sweet.”

“It really is.” And not like anything he’s ever done before. I mean, the flowers, yes. He surprised me with that bouquet and candy before, just never at work.

“Did you let him in your backdoor last night or something?”

“Seriously?” I elbow her and accidentally get her in the boob.

“Ow!” She staggers back, gripping it in both hands. “That really fucking hurt, Char!”