She strokes my hair, her eyes full of remorse. “I did a terrible job picking good father figures.”

“Robbie’s always kinda filled that role, anyway.”

“I didn’t mean what I said about Sunny, either. I know she’s been an amazing friend to you. And the Waters family has been so important. I know with Sunny moving to Chicago and you breaking up with Benji it can’t be easy.”

“Benji and I were done long before that relationship ended.”

She nods. “I know. I could see that. He hadn’t been good for you for a long time.”

It’s funny how easy it is to see something falling apart from the outside. “I wish you would have said something. Maybe I would have kicked him to the curb sooner.”

She gives me one of those smiles. “You know that’s not true. That had to be your decision, uninfluenced by me or anyone else.”

She’s right. “I’m going to help Sunny move into her new place in Chicago over the holidays.” I trace the piping on the edge of the couch, waiting.

“I can’t say I’m surprised.” She props her cheek on her hand. “Are you considering moving there, too?”

“Sunny wants me to.”

“What do you want?”

“Change, I guess? Something new. Alex can get me a job teaching skating lessons. One that pays well.” I wait for her reaction.

“He’s a nice boy.”

“He’s not a boy anymore, Mom. He’s getting married.”

“Hmm. This is true. Your hockey friend will be there? Randy?”

“Not at Sunny’s, but he’ll be around when he’s not on the road.”

“So you’ll see him?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. It’s only casual, Mom. It’s not a relationship. I’m not looking to get serious right now, not after Benji.” The words don’t feel like the truth.

My mom sighs. “You’re being safe?”

“Of course.” I think about that one time we almost weren’t. Pill or no pill, it would have been a bad choice.

“Okay.”

“Okay? That’s it? No lecture?”

My mom laughs. “You’re almost twenty-two. I can’t tell you what to do anymore. Just be careful with your heart, Lily. Don’t give it to someone who doesn’t deserve it and won’t take care of it.”

***

Even though my mom and I work things out, I decide to stay at Sunny’s for a little longer. Her parents are away at a conference, and it’s almost like living on our own. I’m treating it as a trial run, sort of.

Randy and I message back and forth over the next couple of weeks. He sends lots of dirty texts and sometimes even voice memos. Those are my favorite. I often listen to them during marble-rolling sessions. I also put in my ear buds and replay the thirty-second video.

I manage to get two entire weeks off work. I don’t think I’ve taken more than two days off in a row in the past three years. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with the freedom.

Sunny keeps trying to sell me on moving to Chicago. I’m starting to think it’s not a bad idea. Benji’s resurfaced as the holidays approach. Which sort of makes sense. We haven’t been apart for any significant celebration in the past seven years.

Part of me thinks I should miss him at least a little. But I don’t. I’m too excited for sleepovers at Randy’s while I’m in Chicago. He’s mentioned several times that I should stock up on sleep while I can.

I help Sunny pack up her bedroom, and we send the moving truck two days ahead of us. All her stuff will be there by the time we arrive by plane on the morning of the twenty-third. Miller, Alex, Randy, and Darren won’t be back from their away game on the other side of Canada until later that night. They’re at the end of an away series, so I’m banking on them being tired—not that it’s going to stop me from jumping on Randy as soon as I have the opportunity.

I’m a little concerned about my level of excitement. Feelings aren’t supposed to be involved, and I know I’m supposed to tell him when they are, but I’m not brave enough. I don’t want him to end this. Sometimes I convince myself he must have feelings too, but I know his pattern, and he’s been very clear with what he’s said, no matter how he acts. Anyway, I will have to deal with it, but I want this week with him.

Sunny and I take my cousin Brett to visit Michael before we leave for Chicago. His surgery was successful, which is the best gift any of us could have asked for. Miller and Randy have plans to visit him in the new year, the next time they’re in Toronto. With a little more recovery time, they’re hoping he’ll be back on the ice soon, doing what he loves most.

Violet picks us up at the airport driving a crazy vintage sports car. It’s bright orange with stripes. She gets out and hugs us enthusiastically. Her huge boobs mean she has to lean in a lot.

“Oh my gosh!” Sunny exclaims as Violet struggles to find a way to open the trunk. “I can’t believe Alex lets you drive his car!”

Violet sticks her head through the window and fumbles around. The trunk pops open. “I suck his gigantic dick on the regular and don’t even complain about the gag reflex or the potential lock jaw. He lets me do anything I want.”

“Wow. You must be really good to get that thing in your mouth,” I say, then realize how that sounds.

“You’ve seen it?” Violet asks. She eyes me up and down, like suddenly I’m competition.