Cithrin

The dragon's roads behind them, the world turned to snow and mud. The cart beneath her lurched through ruts and holes, the mules before her strained and slipped, and the wheels grumbled and spat through the churn the carts ahead of her had left. Cithrin sat, reins in her numbed fingers, her breath making ghosts, and watched the low hills give way to plains, the forests thin and snow-sheeted scrub and brambles take their place. In springtime, the land surrounding the Free Cities might be green and alive, but now it seemed empty and eternal.

They passed a field with stacks of rotting hay that testified to some farmer's tragedy. A vineyard where row after row or trellis supported black, dead-looking woody vines. Now and again, a snow hare would bound along, almost too far away to see. Or a deer would stray near until one of the carters or the guards shot an arrow toward it in hope of fresh venison. From what she could tell, they never hit.

Mostly it was cold. And the days were still getting shorter.

The caravan master stopped them for the night at an abandoned mill. Cithrin pulled her cart to a stop beside the ice sheet of the pond, unhooked her mud-spattered mules, and rubbed them clean as they ate. The sun hung low and bloody in the west. Opal came to check on her, and the woman's mild eyes seemed pleased by what she saw.

"We'll make an honest carter of you yet, my dear," she said.

Cithrin's smile hurt her cold-burned cheeks. "A carter, maybe," she said. "Honest is another question."

The older woman's eyebrows rose. "More humor," Opal said. "The world may stop turning. Are you coming to the meal?"

"I don't think so," Cithrin said, looking at one of the mules' hoofs. The small sore she'd seen the day before was still there, but hadn't gotten worse. "I don't like being with them."

"Them?"

"The others. I don't think they like me. If it wasn't for me, they'd all be in Bellin sitting around a fire grate. And the captain..."

"Wester? Yes, he is a bit of a bear, isn't he? I still don't know quite what to make of him myself," Opal said, her voice dry and speculative and on the edge of flirtation. "Still, I'm sure he wouldn't bite unless you asked him."

"All the same," Cithrin said. "I think I'll stay with the cart."

"I'll bring you a plate, then."

"Thank you," Cithrin said. "And Opal?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

The guard smiled and dropped a small, ironic curtsey. Cithrin watched her walk back toward the mill house. Someone was lighting a fire in there, thin smoke rising from the stone chimney. Around her, the snow glowed gold and then red, and then between one moment and the next, grey. Cithrin laid blankets on her mules and lit a small fire of her own. Opal returned with a plate of stewed greens and wheat cakes, then went back to the voices and music. Cithrin stood to follow her and then sat back down.

As she ate, the stars came out. Snow made the pale blue light of a three-quarter moon seem brighter than it should have been. The cold grew, and Cithrin huddled closer to her small fire. The chill seeped in, pressing on her. Narrowing her. Later, when the captain and the Tralgu had gone out scouting and the others had gone to sleep, she'd sneak into the mill house and find a corner to curl up in. At breakfast, she'd avoid the stares and curiosity of the other carters and come back to her mules as quickly as she could. Daylight was scarce, and the caravan master didn't leave much time for idle banter. These long, dark, cold hours between work's end and sleep were the worst part of her day. She passed them by retreating into her mind.

She might begin by singing herself songs or recalling plays and performances she'd gone to as part of the bank. Before long, though, she found herself returning to Magister Imaniel and his constant dinner-table testing. The difference between a gift given for a consideration and a formal loan, the paradox of two parties following reason and yet coming to a solution to no one's advantage, the strategies of a single contract and the strategies of a contract that is continually renewed. The puzzles were the playthings of her childhood, and she came to them now for comfort and solace.

She found herself estimating the worth of the caravan as a whole, how much they might have gained in Carse and how much more or less they would have to offer in Porte Oliva to make the two journeys balance. She thought about Bellin, and whether taxation on passage or on boarding would make the township richer. At what point it would make as much sense to abandon the carts as to keep on. Whether Magister Imaniel had been wise to invest in a brewery and also insure it against fire. In the absence of real information, it was no more than a game, but it was the game that she knew best.

Banking, Magister Imaniel said, wasn't about gold and silver. It was about who knew something no one else did, about who could be trusted and who not, about seeming one thing and being another. With the questions she asked herself, she could conjure him and Cam and Besel. She could see their faces again, hear their laughter, and sink into another time and place. One where she was loved. Or no, not truly. But at least where she belonged.

Even as the night around her grew colder, the knot in her belly loosened. Her tight-curled body grew softer and more at ease. She fed larger sticks into the fire, watching the flames first dim under the weight of the wood, and then brighten as it caught. The heat touched her face and hands, and the wool wrapped around her kept the worst of the night at bay.

What would happen, she wondered, if a bank offered a greater loan to those who'd repaid an old one before the set time? The borrowers would gain more gold by the arrangement, and the bank would see its profits more quickly. And yet, Magister Imaniel said in her mind, if everyone benefits, you've overlooked something. There was some consequence that she was missing...

"Cithrin."

She looked up. Sandr, half crouched, scuttled from the shadows between the carts. One of the mules lifted his head, snorted a great plume of white breath, and went back to his rest. As Sandr sat, she heard an odd clanking of metal and the telltale sloshing of wine in a skin.

"You didn't," she said, and Sandr grinned.

"Master Kit won't mind. He stocked up again as soon as we reached Bellin, getting ready for the winter. Only now he's got to haul it through the back end of the world. We'll be doing him a favor, lightening the load."

"You are going to get in so much trouble," she said.

"Never happen."

He opened the skin with a gloved hand and held it out to her. The smell of the fumes warmed her almost before the wine. Rich and strong and soft, it washed her mouth and tongue, flowed down her throat. The warmth of it lit her like she'd swallowed a candle. There was no sweetness to it, but something deeper.

"God," she said.

"It's good, isn't it?" Sandr said.

She grinned and took another long drink. Then another. The warmth spread into her belly and started pressing out toward her arms and legs. Reluctantly, she passed it back.

"That's not all," he said. "I've got something for you."

He pulled a canvas bag out from beneath his cloak. The cloth reeked of dust and rot, and something in it shifted and clanked as he put it on the snow. His eyes sparkled in the moonlight.

"They were in the back storeroom. And a bunch of other things. Smit found them really, but I thought of you and I traded him."

Sandr pulled out a cracked leather boot laced with string. A complication of rusted metal clung to the sole, dark and dingy except for a knifelike blade running the length that shone bright and new-sharpened.

"Ever skated?" Sandr asked.

Cithrin shook her head. Sandr pulled two pairs of boots out of the sack, the ancient leather grey in the dim light. She took another long drink of the wine.

"They're too big," he said, "but I put some sand inside. Sand's good because it shifts to fit the shape of your foot. Cloth just bunches up. Here, try them."

I don't want to, Cithrin thought, but Sandr had her foot in his hand, stripping off her boot, and he was so pleased with himself. The skate was cold and the bent leather bit into the top of her foot, but Sandr pulled the string laces tight and started on her other foot.

"I learned how in Asterilhold," Sandr said. "Two... no, God, three years ago. I'd just joined the troop and Master Kit had us in Kaltfel for the winter. So cold your spit froze before it hit the ground, and the nights went on forever. But there's a lake in the middle of the city, and the whole time we were there, you could cross it anywhere. There's a winter city they build on the ice every year. Houses and taverns and all. Like a real town."

"Really?" she said.

"It was brilliant. There. I think that's done it. Let me get mine on."

She took another mouthful of the fortified wine, and it pressed its heat out toward her fingers and toes. Somehow, they'd already gone through half the skin. She felt it in her cheeks. And the fumes made her head feel muzzy and bright. Sandr struggled and grunted, the knife-shoe of the skates creaking and rattling. It seemed impossible that anything so awkward would actually work until he had the last strap in place, half walked and half wobbled to the pond, and then pressed himself out onto the ice. Between one breath and the next, he became grace made flesh. His legs scissored and shifted, the blades hissing as they scored the ice. His body shifted and swooped as he slid across the pond and then back, his arms graceful as a dancer's.

"They're not bad," he called. "Come on. You try."

Another drink of wine, and then one more for luck, and Cithrin maneuvered herself out. Cold air bit at her, but only with dull teeth. Her ankles shifted as she fought to make sense of this new way of balancing. She tried to push off the way Sandr did, and fell hard on the ice. Sandr laughed his delight.

"It's hard the first time," he said, hissing to her side. "Give me your hand. I'll show you."

Within minutes, her knees were bent, her arms widespread, and her feet chopping at the ice. But she didn't fall.

"Don't try to walk," Sandr said. "Push with one foot, glide on the other."

"Easy for you," she said. "You know what you're doing."

"This time. I was worse than you when I started."

"Flatterer."

"Maybe you're worth flattering. No, like that. That's it. That's it!"

Cithin's body caught the trick, and she found herself gliding. Not quite as gracefully and certainly as Sandr, but closer. The ice sped under her, white and grey and black in the moonlight. The night tasted like the fortified wine and moved like a river flowing around her. Sandr whooped and took her hand, and together they raced the length of the mill pond, the grooves of their skates tracing white lines in the dim.

From the banks, one of the mules commented with a grunt and flick of his haunch. The wind of Cithin's passage whuffled in her ears. She felt herself grinning and spinning. The knot in her belly was a memory, a dream, a thing that happened to another person. She fell twice more, but it only seemed funny. The ice was cloud and sky, and she had learned how to fly. It creaked and groaned under her weight, and Sandr clapped his hands as she made an elaborate and awkward curtsey in the center of the pond.

"Race me," he shouted. "There and back."

Like an arrow from a bow, Sandr sped for the far bank, and Cithrin followed him. Her legs ached, and her heart beat like a boulder rolling down a hill, her numb face made itself a mask. Sandr reached the edge of the ice, pushed off from the snow, and sped past her, going back toward her cart. Cithrin turned too, pushing faster, harder. In the middle of the pond, the ice darkened and complained, but then she was over it, almost at Sandr's back, skating beside him, past him. Almost past him.

Her skate slammed into the snow and the dead, winter-killed reeds. The moon-blued ground rose up and hit her so hard she couldn't breathe. Sandr lay beside her, his eyes wide, his cheeks as red as if she'd pinched them. The look of surprise and concern on his face was so comic that, when she could, Cithrin started laughing.

Sandr's laughter twinned with hers, and he threw a handful of snow in the air, the flakes drifting down around them like dandelion fluff. And then he rolled to her, resting his weight against her side. His lips were on hers.

Oh, she thought. And then, half a breath later, she tried kissing him back.

It wasn't as awkward as she'd expected it to be. His arms shifted around her, his body entirely on hers now, pressing her into the snow that didn't seem cold at all. His hand fumbled at her jacket, and then the thick wool sweater. His fingers found her skin. She felt herself arching up, pressing herself into the touch almost as if she were watching it be done. She heard her breath grow ragged.

"Cithrin," Sandr said. "You need to... You need to know..."

"Don't," she said.

He stopped, pulling back. His hand retreated from her breasts. Contrition narrowed his face. She felt a flare of impatience.

"Don't talk, I mean," she said.

She'd always known about sex in a general way. Cam had talked about it in dour, stern, and warning tones. She'd seen the mummers in the spring carnival dancing through the torchlit streets in masks and nothing more. Perhaps there should have been no mystery. And still, as she undid her belt and pushed down the rough pants, she wondered whether this was what Besel had done with all those other girls. All the ones that weren't her. Had it been like this for them? She'd heard it hurt the first time. She wondered what that would feel like. Sandr's bare flanks shone nearly as pale as the snow. Concentration possessed him as he tried to pry off his skates without rising up.

I hope it's all right that I don't love him, she thought.

A roar came out of nowhere, deep and violent and sudden. Sandr rose up into the air, his weight gone, his eyes round in surprise. Cithrin grabbed for her waistband. Her first thought was that a monstrous bird had come down from the sky and plucked him away.

Captain Wester threw Sandr out onto the ice, where he landed awkward and skidding. The captain's sword hissed out of its scabbard, and he moved toward Sandr, cursing in three languages. Cithrin rose to her knees, tugging at her clothing. Sandr stumbled back, his still-erect penis bobbing comically, and slipped.

"I wasn't forcing her," Sandr squeaked. "I wasn't forcing."

"Do I care?" Wester shouted, pointing with his sword at the wineskin half covered by snow. "You get her stupid drunk to get her knees apart, and you want a good-conduct medal?"

"I'm not drunk," Cithrin said, realizing that she likely was. Wester ignored her.

"Touch her again, son, and I cut something off you. Best pray it's a finger."

Sandr opened his mouth, but only a high whine came out.

"Stop it!" Cithrin shouted. "Leave him alone!"

Wester turned to her, rage in his eyes. Taller than she was, twice as broad, and with naked steel in his hand, he made the small, still part of her mind tell her to be quiet. Wine and embarrassment and anger washed her forward.

"Who are you to tell him what he can and can't?" she said. "Who are you to tell me?"

"I am the man who's saving your life. And you will do as I say," Wester shouted, but she thought there was a new confusion in his eyes. "I won't have you turning into a whore."

The word bit. Cithrin balled her fists until her knuckles ached. Blood lit her cheeks and roared in her ears. When she spoke, she shrieked.

"I wasn't going to charge him!"

Wester looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. The confusion deepened, knitting his brow, and something like amusement plucked at his mouth. And then - inexplicably - anguish.

"Captain," a new voice growled, and the Tralgu loomed out of the darkness.

"Not a good time, Yardem," Wester said.

"Took that from the shouting, sir. There's soldiers."

Wester changed between one heartbeat and the next. His face cleared, his body pulled back a degree. Their confrontation evaporated, and Cithrin felt herself unnerved by the sudden shift. It seemed unfair that the captain had abandoned their conflict with things still unsettled.

"Where?" Wester asked.

"Camped over the ridge to the east," the Tralgu said. "Two dozen. Antean banner, Vanai tents."

"Well, God smiled," Wester said. "Any chance their scouts overlooked us?"

"None."

"Did they see you?"

"No."

Cithrin's rage collapsed as the words fought through the wine fumes and trailing remnants of anger. Wester was already pacing the length of her cart. He considered Sandr still wobbling on his skates, the half-buried wineskin, the pond with the white scoring of blade tracks still on the ice.

"Sandr," he said. "Get Master Kit."

"Yes, sir," Sandr said and awkwardly scampered off toward the mill house.

Wester sheathed his sword absentmindedly. His eyes shifted across the landscape, searching for something. Cithrin waited, her heart in her throat. They couldn't run. Against two dozen, they couldn't fight. Any goodwill she might have expected from Wester was certainly gone now.

The seconds stretched by endlessly. Wester took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"We'll need a broom," he said.