Chapter 25

Jase

I drag the phone away from my ear at the shrill of laughter. It’s great hearing my mom so chipper, but no one needs this much information on the latest romance novel her book club is reading, least of all her son. Gah…

My dad has returned from China and we even manage to exchange a few friendly words over the phone before he hands it over to my mom. To my surprise, he thanks me for coming home to check on her while he was away. I didn’t think he’d notice or care, so it’s good to know he did.

“How’s Avery?” Mom asks next. “I told your dad how pretty and sweet she is.”

Shit. Just hearing her name is like a kick to the gut. I try to decide what to say next. “Ah…She and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.”

“Jase Alexander Owens. What did you do to screw things up?”

“Nice, Mom. Thanks for automatically assuming it was me.”

She’s quiet for a second, but I can tell she won’t just let this drop, like I’m silently begging her to do. “That girl was sweet as pie, Jase, and I could tell how you two felt about each other. What happened?”

I take a deep breath, trying to calm my rioting nerves. “Let’s just say, she was hiding some major skeletons in her closet and she wasn’t who I thought she was.” It sounds like a bullshit excuse when I say it out loud. I don’t know if I’m hurt because Avery didn’t trust me with the truth after I’d been so open with her, or if I’m just hurt that I wasn’t the first to be with her.

“Jase, we all have things in our pasts we wish we could take back. You, me, and I know your dad regrets how he handled things with you. But we don’t just cut people out of our lives when they make mistakes. I thank God every day that you forgave me. And heaven knows, over the years, you’ve made your fair share of mistakes, too.”

Shit fuck. I can’t argue. “I guess it was more how I found out. I wish Avery would have trusted me enough to come to me herself with the story.”

“Yes, I get it. But did you ask her why she didn’t come to you? Give her a chance to explain herself? Maybe she was going to tell you, or maybe she had a good reason why she thought she couldn’t.”

Dammit. I hate it when my mom’s right.

Her voice softens. “Just have one more conversation with her, Jase. That’s one of my biggest regrets – I wish I would have talked more openly about things with you and your dad. I just don’t want you to have any regrets.”

“I love you, Mom.” Now drop it.

“Love you more, Jasey. So, are you going to talk to her?”

“We’ll see.” After how I treated her, I don’t know if Avery will still want to talk to me. And then there’s the matter of admitting to her that I fucked up that one night by letting Stacia into my bed. I doubt she’ll be happy about that.

“Okay, bye, honey,” Mom says.

I hang up and stare at the phone in my hands. It’d be too simple just to call her. What would I say, though? I’ve kept in touch with her friend Madison so that I can keep tabs on how Avery’s doing. Just because she isn’t mine doesn’t mean I don’t worry about her. I know my Mom’s advice is going to ring in my head until I talk to Avery one last time.

Chapter 26

Avery

Feeling sorry for myself isn’t working – neither is pretending my past will go away. It won’t. Even if I transfer to a school in Alaska, and no one knows, I will know. And that’s what I hate most. I hate living with the regret – having something I can never take back. It might sound strange, but I’m disappointed in myself, and I’m tired of living with that feeling.

Maybe that’s what this little road trip will provide – the chance to think, to get away from everything for a few days, leave all my crappy baggage behind. When I return, I won’t be the same girl. I’ll know my mom, for one. And I’ll work on forgiving myself. With each mile I drive, I’ll leave my past behind me. So I took some sexy pictures with my boyfriend? I wasn’t going to let that own me. Not anymore.

While other college kids are getting ready for a fun Friday night out, I’m preparing for a twelve hour drive to Denver. I’ll stop for the night somewhere across the massively long state of Nebraska. That will put me into Denver tomorrow afternoon, and my mom, Jessica, or whatever I will call her, has asked me to come over and have lunch. The idea of meeting her is overwhelming, let alone seeing her home and sitting across from her over lunch. I may puke before I even drive the first mile of the trip.

Noah and Madison – just like my parents – are eager to join me on my road trip adventure, but I tell them the same thing. This is something I need to do alone. Maybe just to know that I am strong enough to face it.

It is late afternoon, but the sun is already preparing for its nightly hibernation. The streaks of golden sun lighting up the sky remind me I’ll be driving in the dark soon and I need to get moving. I hitch my backpack higher on my shoulder and continue across campus to where my car waits. My car is right where I left it, but it’s the guy standing next to the driver’s door that gives me pause.

“Ja-Jase?” My tongue trips over his name, both from surprise at seeing him and from the ban I’ve imposed on speaking his name.

“Hi,” he returns carefully.

He’s dressed casually in dark-washed jeans, a gray T-shirt and my favorite light blue hoodie that I liked to steal on occasion. Seeing him is physically painful. He’s so handsome, and I’m reminded how comfortably we fit together. My body remains rooted to the sidewalk, because I know if I go to him, my head will rest perfectly in the crook of his neck, his T-shirt will smell like a mix of fabric softener and cologne, and if his arms circle around me I will feel safe.

I pull a shaky breath into my lungs. What is he doing here?

Jase takes a step closer. “So you’re really doing this?” My eyes must betray my confusion, because he adds, “I talked to Madison.”

I nod. Damn Madison. I know they’ve been conversing about me in their shared lit class. I try not to read too much into it. “Yep. She lives in Denver. We’re meeting up tomorrow afternoon for lunch.” It explains how he knew where I was headed, but not what he’s doing here with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. “Did you…need something?” I don’t mean for it to sound so cold, clinical, yet it does.

“I’d like to come with you – like we talked about.”

I frown. “That was before.”

“I know,” he adds quickly. “But I’m the one who pushed you toward this, and it seems right that I should be with you when you go. Just because…of what happened…doesn’t mean I’m going back on my word. I am your life coach, and I intend to see this project through.” He attempts a smile, but I’m not amused. I’m done feeling like his project.

I continue past him toward the car, unlocking my door to toss my backpack on the backseat. “It’s fine, Jase. I’m good with going alone.” I don’t know what’s with his weird sense of responsibility toward me. But I want a friend…or maybe a boyfriend…not a guardian.

“Avery,” his voice goes soft, and his eyes are glued on me. “I’d like to come. I’m all packed.” He holds up the backpack he’s carrying. “Let me be there for you.”

Do I even want him on this trip? I have visions of myself cruising down the highway, singing along to the radio, and giving myself a nervous pep talk in the driveway before meeting my mom. Do I want an audience for what is sure to be an emotional trip? I have always imagined doing it alone.

Jase looks at me with hopeful eyes. I can’t help but notice he’s said nothing about us – about what him being here means. Why is he really here?

I take a deep breath and realize I do want him by my side, having his comfortable silence next to me, his warm hand to hold if I need it. It changes everything. I don’t know what will happen between us, but there’s no one else I’d rather have with me.

“Fine. Get in.”

He smiles. “Want me to take the first driving shift?”

“No. I’ll drive.” I’ll need something to concentrate on other than him. We climb into the car and as soon as the doors are shut, his familiar scent washes over me. So much for concentrating.

Jase

I know she’s surprised to see me, but I didn’t expect her to actually consider sending me away. But I see the indecision in her eyes, the split-second of uncertainty before she says yes.

I settle in the passenger seat next to Avery and flip through the radio stations, asking what she’s in the mood to listen to. She shrugs, noncommittal about anything, but I guess it’s to be expected. I can’t even imagine all the emotions she must feel embarking on this trip.

Avery drives slow and steady in the right lane of the highway. I don’t complain though – I’m fine with letting her take things at her own pace. I’ll probably have to drive tomorrow, knowing she’ll likely be a jittery mess as the time approaches to meet her mom.

I realize I’ve never been in the car while she’s driving, and though I usually prefer being the driver, watching her concentrate on the road is pretty cute. She gets a crease in her forehead and her little hands are gripping the wheel at ten and two. She also looks thinner, which I don’t like. But she also looks more determined, more sure, and I do like that.

I sneak glances at Avery as we drive, and the images from those sexy photos flash through my mind. I hate remembering her that way. The raw feeling of shock and disgust when I first saw those pictures slices through me. I wanted to hit something, or someone. Fuck, I still do. I don’t like associating the sweet, innocent girl I fell for with something so dirty. But that past is part of her, and I have to decide if it’s something I can get over or not. Will I ever be able to look at her without remembering?

The hours tick by and as I watch the passing headlights, I wonder what the future holds for me and Avery.

Avery

We don’t discuss my pornographic past, we don’t talk about us. We just drive. Each hour carries us closer to Denver, and I can’t help but feel further apart emotionally. The casual banter that used to flow so easily between us has been snatched away. This is what I’d always feared – getting close to someone, and then having it ripped away from me once my secret came out. That’s why it’s easier not to get too close. But nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that. Crap. I hate how in my head I get about Jase. I need to just let it go. Him being here doesn’t mean anything…does it?

Jase yawns and stretches next to me, pulling my attention from the road over to him. “When do you wanna stop?” he says around another yawn.

The clock on the dash informs me it’s already after eleven. I’ve been driving for almost six hours. Wow. My neck is stiff and sore and cracks when I roll my shoulders. “I just thought I’d pull into a motel off the highway, and crash. Sound okay to you?”

He nods. “Sounds good.”

A few minutes later, Jase points out a sign for a motel. It’s a cheap and probably run-down chain, but it’ll do. I don’t need anything fancy. I pull off onto the exit, more than ready to get out and stretch my legs.

As I navigate us toward the motel, Jase gestures to the string of fast food restaurants further down the road. “Let’s grab something to eat first. You’re too thin, and I doubt you had dinner.”

I grin sheepishly. He’s right. I haven’t been eating well. Somehow food just doesn’t taste like it used to. Most days I have to force myself to get something down, and today, with all the excitement, it completely slipped my mind. “Sure. Burgers or subs?” I survey the restaurants around us.

Jase looks over at me, his eyes smiling on mine. “I’m feeding you the biggest cheeseburger we can find. It wouldn’t hurt to put a few pounds on you.”

I chuckle and shake my head at him. I’m nowhere near model-thin, but it’s nice to hear his concern, just the same.

After polishing off cheeseburgers and fries, Jase and I check into the little motel he’d seen off the highway. An adjoining door separates our rooms, and though I want a shower and to crawl in bed, suddenly that door is all I can think about. Or more specifically, what’s on the other side of it. I shouldn’t allow myself to feel any hope, but I can’t help wonder what Jase is thinking. I’m also worried about trusting myself with him.

Chapter 27

Jase

I’ve paced the room for the last fifteen minutes, trying to talk myself out of it. I heard her shower turn on – and then off, eight minutes later – and now she’s probably getting ready for bed, but still I can’t shake the desire to see her.

I take one last deep breath, willing myself just to let it go and move on, but I know I won’t. It’s why I’m on this trip. I can’t give her up.

I tap my knuckles against the door and wait.

It’s completely silent. Maybe she’s already asleep. But a few seconds later, the door opens and Avery’s standing before me in a white tank top and baggy pink pajama pants, bare feet and damp hair. Her simple beauty crashes against me like a wave. I want to push the hair from her shoulders and kiss a path up her neck, remembering how good she tastes.

“Hey,” I say brilliantly.

“Hi,” she returns, her voice soft and cautious.

I swallow down a wave of nerves, wondering what the fuck I say now. I should have thought this shit out. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.” She takes a step back from the door.

Her room smells like her shampoo and the air is still dewy from the shower, which is not helping my train of thought.

Avery stands silently watching me. I do the only thing I can think to do: I step closer and place my hands against her waist, pulling her close. Avery looks up at me with curiosity in her eyes as my thumb lightly strokes the bare skin at her hip. I don’t know what’s happening, or what’s left between us, all I know is that I need this. I need to erase all those vivid mental images of her with her ex. I need to make her mine. I’m in no mood to talk about my feelings. I just want her naked. I need to feel her skin. If that makes me an asshole, so be it.