I smiled at the blonde across the bar that had been eyeing me up like a hungry dog eyeing up a steak dinner. Not that I was calling myself a hunk of meat. My brain worked just fine when all the blood hadn’t rushed to parts further down. And I wasn’t calling her a dog either. First of all, I wouldn’t do that, because I’m not twelve, or an asshole, and secondly, she was pretty hot. Forget the whole dog and steak analogy. She was eyeing me up like a chick in a bar who was Jack and Coke horny and had spotted a hot prospect.

I’m no expert, but I could tell she probably hadn’t entered the world with that hair color, and her tits were a little too Goodyear-like to be gifts from God, but who was I to judge? I was considering having a relationship of an extremely short duration with her. Well, not extremely short. I would give her a good workout first. Like I said, I wanted to get it out of my system, and I’m also a gentleman after all.

A gentleman… “For Christ’s sake be a gentleman, Mark… ” I sighed. And of course, now, I was thinking about Beth again. Why was I thinking at all? I wasn’t here to think. The blood could rush out of my brain at will in this place. In fact, I had probably lost a few IQ points the minute I walked through the door. I knew that I might as well just pack it in. Sorry, Miss Potential Hook-Up, this wasn’t your lucky night. Even in a totally dark room, I would know you weren’t her and she’s the one I want.

I tossed some cash down on the bar, and got up to go. The blonde got a confused look on her face, but then, that might have been her natural expression. I had first noticed her pushing like hell at the ladies room door. It had a sign on it that said, “Pull.”

Looked like it would be another Friday night of video games and self-love. Those two things formed the basis of my social life these days. It wasn’t always like that, though…

This time last year all three of us were still out playing every weekend, even Braden; although both Adam and I sensed he was going down at any moment. He was more than just a little interested in having Gabrielle examine his briefs, even though he knew it would mean more than a one-night investment. He was always talking about her, and staring off into space. He might as well have had those little hearts in his eyes like Pepe Le Pew. Still, it did take him a while.

But then, one night, it happened; he decided he was just “going home” from a club… alone. He hadn’t even gotten any on-location action. He was just going home alone, like Adam started doing a few months later… and like I had been for the past few weeks. I knew the signs. I was going down. Still, I walked out the door with no regrets. I was kind of tired anyway.

I looked up and there she was, the beauty who had stolen my heart long ago… a fully restored, silver 1971 Karmann Ghia. I called her Heidi, like Heidi Klum, hot German, get it? In case you were unaware, the Karmann Ghia is the ultimate badass hipster’s ride. They just don’t make them that cool anymore.

“Hey baby, I need to be inside you right now,” I joked as I deactivated the alarm. Great, I was talking to a car, like freaking Knight Rider. I had officially gone around the bend. It had to be lack of sex. Why wasn’t I back there with the blonde again? Oh right, I was nuts. As I strapped myself in and hit the ignition I wondered briefly where Beth was at the moment and who she was with.

1:00 AM

Later that night, I lay in bed thinking. I hadn’t hooked up in almost a month. I hadn’t gone that long without getting laid since I was in high school. Sex had always been just a release of tension and a way to feel good. It had never mattered who I was with before, as long as I found her physically attractive, willing, disease-free and not obviously unstable in any way. You had to watch out for the ones who seemed like they might be fun that night, but listening to Madame Butterfly, and boiling your bunny the next day.

Things had changed, though. I knew that I wasn’t going to be interested in anyone else anytime soon, and I had started talking to a car. I wasn’t going to make it that much longer. So was I planning to make a move? Yeah, I guess I was. Braden had to tell me that bit about her comment to her friend, didn’t he? Picturing her, fantasizing about me officially did me in. There was no going back after that. He said, “Just do it right,” but what did that mean? Where was the rulebook on this kind of shit?

Maybe she and I could ease into dating. I could just keep taking her to these fundraisers, like practice dating, with no expectations and no pressure. And in the meanwhile, I could find out what the rules were. There you go, just go slowly. That was a plan. Good thinking Mark. Okay, thinking about Beth again…

Saturday 12:30 PM

“So you went home alone again,” Adam said, squeezing some lemon into his iced tea. We had gone out to grab lunch at a local Italian place.

“Can you die from sexual frustration?” I poured some dressing on my antipasto and signaled the waitress for more water.

“You’re not going to die, but you might get carpal tunnel. You can’t go on like this anymore. You won. You were the last man standing. Now, give up and date the woman already.”

“I’m twenty-eight, not twenty-one. I see how happy you guys are.”

“So, what’s the problem? You’re not worried she’ll shoot you down, are you? It doesn’t sound like she has really high standards.” He laughed.

“The problem is that I’m flying blind. Women have all these rules when it comes to that shit and I’ve never had an interest in riding that rollercoaster before.”