It guts me to know she had to go through this, that she had to deal with the fallout of what Sin did alone. She’ll never have to do anything by herself again. Now, she has the club—she has me.

I dip my head to meet her eyes.

“I’ll have a prospect on the door within the hour.”

“You’re leaving?” I hate that there’s fear in her voice, even though she does her best to hide it.

“I need to, sweetheart. You won’t be alone.”

She’ll never be alone again.

With a lingering look, I step through the door. It kills me to walk away from her, but right now I have a more important objective—finding Sin and protecting Sasha and Lily-May. Then, I can get my family back.

14

Sasha

My conversation with Ravage leaves me reeling. He was angry, but beneath the anger was hurt and the old flame of desire I’ve dreamed of seeing again since I returned to Kessington. He wants me still, and that confuses me. How could he want someone like me? The filth that covers me will never wash off and I don’t want to soil him with my dirt. Living in this world, I know there are two things capable of bringing a man like Rav to their knees—death and their woman getting hurt. He’s in pain right now and it slices through my gut knowing that. I’ve had three years to come to terms with what happened to me. He’s going to need a little time to wrap his head around it.

As I sit at my daughter’s bedside, I feel numb. I don’t want people to know what was done to me. I don’t want people to look at me like I’m damaged goods. I don’t want to see the pity in their eyes. I’m swimming in dirt and nothing will change that.

I peer at my child. The love I have for her is unrivalled by any other. I don’t care how she came into this world. She’s mine, and nothing changes that—not what was done to me and not the trauma of how she was created, if Sin is her father. I still hold onto the hope that she’s Rav’s, not because it would change anything for me, but because it would be better for her. I know with every breath in my body that he would protect her with his last breath, if he’s her father. She’d have the protection of the club too. He wouldn’t let anything touch her. He would slay her dragons and keep the monsters away.

Sin is the complete opposite. He made me believe I was worthless, that no one would believe me. He was wrong. So fucking wrong.

Nox and Rav both believe what happened to me and he’ll get what’s coming to him. I see the truth in Rav’s eyes when he says he’s going to make Sin pay. I fully believe he’ll send Sin to hell with a smile on his face. I should feel bad about being the reason a life will have ended, but I don’t. Sin took something from me I can never replace. He took my sense of security, my safety and tore it away. He made me realise I’m vulnerable, and that I can be hurt in ways so vile it leaves lasting scars that brand my soul.

I know this is hard for Rav. I can see it in his eyes. He loves his brother. He was more a father than a sibling to him growing up, so I can imagine how much this is hurting him. I hate that I inflicted that on him. For all our problems, I never wanted to hurt Rav, but I can’t change what happened either. All I can do is live with it.

Having him back in my life is confusing. I don’t know where I stand with him now that he knows. I do know I saw a flicker of the old Tyler behind his eyes when he held me. There was something more there that I haven’t seen since I’ve been back. He needs me, as if I’m the balm to his tortured soul.

My feelings are a jumbled mess and I have no idea how to work through them. I don’t blame his initial anger towards me. I left one day without a word or a reason. Rav puts on a front, but beneath that hardness, he’s still that little kid who was betrayed by his mother, and left to fend for himself by his father. Betrayal is not something he can handle. If he trusts, he does it fully, and he trusted me, opened himself completely to me. What I did, he saw that as a disloyalty, but I can’t help from being hurt by his actions. The fire he’s spewed at me since I got back hasn’t been easy to take, even if I understand it.

I can’t help my fury towards him either.

He was the one who was supposed to know me best. He was the one who was supposed to defend me. He was my safe place. I needed him to be the strong one.

What cuts me the deepest is I would have fought for him. If things had been the other way around, I would have gone to the ends of the earth to work out why he left, but he didn’t fight for me. That thought sits in my gut like a cancer, rotting everything it touches. It makes all my doubts dance to the forefront and erodes my trust in him. It makes some of Sin’s words ring true. He made me feel worthless and in Rav’s eyes that’s what I became—another nameless face.

At least until I was in his embrace again. Then all the worries and all the anger fell silent. I felt the shift between us the moment he wrapped those strong, bulky arms around me and I forgot I was just as angry at him as he was at me. I forgot he also walked away. The world around us disappeared.

All I could think was I was finally home.

The baggage I’m dragging behind me doesn’t make things easy. We can’t just go back to Sasha and Tyler. We’re no longer the same people. I’m not sure who he is anymore. He’s different, even as he’s the same. I’m a new version of the old Sasha, and I’m not sure he’ll like who I’ve become. Half the time, I’m not sure I like who I’ve become.

There’s no softness in me now, unless it’s for my daughter. I don't know that I’m capable of letting him in, of trusting him again. We can’t just pick up where we left off.

My dark tormented thoughts are scattered by a knocking on the door. I peer up at the clock and realise it’s been over thirty minutes since Rav left. Thirty minutes I’ve been sitting with my thoughts tumbling around my head, creating new wounds and opening new hurts.

“Yeah?” I say and watch as the door opens. The prospect from the gate a few days earlier sticks his head through the frame.

“Rav sent me. I’m just outside if you need anything.”

I have no intention of having the club run around after me, but it does ease some of the tension settling in my chest knowing someone here will have my back and make sure I’m safe. Not knowing where Sin is has fear clawing up my spine. I’m not sure he’d be brazen enough to come to the hospital. Then again, I never thought he’d be brazen enough to rape me in mine and Rav’s home.

“Thanks, uh…?”

“Zack,” he supplies.

“I’m—”

“Sasha. I remember.”

I give him a half smile that doesn’t reach my eyes, then return my attention to my baby. I’m grateful Lily-May slept through all of that, that she didn’t need to hear any foulness. Nothing will touch her or soil her ever.

Not even the sins of my past.

15

Ravage

I don’t head directly back to the clubhouse, but take a detour to Kessington’s high street or what’s left of it. Most of it is boarded up, but there are a few stores that still remain. The roads are busy, and I weave through the traffic, lane splitting to avoid getting stuck behind the cages.