Unknown: Hannah

Me: I don’t know anyone named Hannah…

Hannah: We haven’t actually met, I gave you my number on LoveU and you said you were going to teach me how to…how to. You know.

Me: No, I don’t know.

Hannah: “Talk to dudes and shit.” Those were your words, not mine.

Me: Ooooh, THAT Hannah. You go by the name Bianca, but that was a lie.

I’m giving her shit. I know exactly who this is since I’ve been expecting her to message me the past two days; actually thought she’d text me as soon as I gave her my number.

She did not.

With one eye on Lilly, I check the next message.

Hannah: I told you my actual name so you cannot hold that against me. I’m weird about my privacy.

Me: No, no, I get it. No need to explain.

Hannah: So, what are you doing right now?

Me: Running errands at the mall with my niece.

Hannah: How old is she?

Me: 2

Hannah: Awww, I bet she’s adorable.

Me: Yeah, she is. She looks just like me.

Hannah: Does she really?

Me: No. We’re not actually related.

Hannah: Oh, I get it—you’re friends with her dad, then?

Me: No, her dad actually kind of hates me. I’m best friends with her mom.

I’m not about to tell her a lot of people hate me; not when I’m trying to date her—or, at least, try to help her flirt with guys who aren’t me.

I can use as many friends as I can get, I don’t need to turn any more people off.

Me: Listen, I have to keep an eye on my niece while she eats, but I’ll shoot you a text later. We can figure out a time to meet up.

Hannah: You actually want to meet up?

Me: Uh, yeah. Don’t you?

Hannah: I thought you were going to teach me how to talk to guys.

Me: Right. I’m a guy and you’re going to talk to me.

Hannah: I thought we determined you’re not really my type.

Me: We did? When?

Hannah: Okay, so maybe we didn’t…haha. I just assumed we could do all this “teaching” over the phone…

Me: That would totally defeat the purpose. And it wouldn’t kill you to socialize—you’re scary as fuck, I bet you could use some refreshers.

Hannah: SCARY? I’ve been sweet as pie this entire conversation!

Me: I know, but you weren’t so sweet after I swiped on you. But whatever, I’m not going to bed.

Me: Beg. I meant BEG. If you don’t want to have coffee or whatever, it’s not a big deal.

Hannah: Ummm I swiped on you FIRST Mister! Fine. Let’s meet.

Me: Wow. Don’t sound so enthusiastic.

Hannah: I SAID I WANTED TO MEET.

Me: Whoa. Bring it down a notch, no need to shout.

Hannah: OMG, I’m going to kill you.

Me: Yeah, on second thought, maybe we shouldn’t have coffee…

Hannah: WE ARE HAVING COFFEE GODDAMMIT.

Me: See, this is why you need my help. My dick shriveled up and climbed inside its turtle shell.

Hannah: Huh?

Me: You shrunk my balls with your cackling. This is why you need me.

Hannah: “NEED” is such a strong word.

Me: This is why you could use someone such as myself.

Hannah: Oh yeah? Care to enlighten me?

Me: I would, but like I said—I have my niece with me and I gotta keep an eye on her. She’s made a huge mess in the two minutes we’ve been talking and I didn’t bring her diaper bag into the mall, so now I have to figure out how to clean her up without wipes…

Hannah: Why do I find that so adorable?

Me: Cause I’m adorable.

Hannah: A-DORK-able is more like it.

Me: Wow. Your just a firecracker aren’t you.

Hannah: **you’re

Me: BYE

I lock my screen and shove the phone in my back pocket, Lilly’s little mess really isn’t all that terrible; a few chocolatey fingers and some schmutz already on her chubby cheeks, though she’s only been eating them a few short minutes.

We’re interrupted by a high pitched and enthusiastic voice—one that comes out of nowhere, off to my right, with an, “Oh. My. Gawd, she is so adorable. How old is she?”

I glance up to see a hot chick wearing a short skirt and crop top bending to get a closer look at Lilly, her perky boobs directly in my line of vision.

“Two-ish,” I avert my eyes and take a berry out of the paper, handing it to Lilly. “I’m her Funcle.”

“Funcle?”

“You know—fun uncle?”

“Oh! Haha. Oh my god, that’s hilarious.” She eyes me, dismisses me, then refocuses on my niece. “So cute. What’s her name?”

So, I get that this girl is hot and all, but some things aren’t for public consumption—even though I’d probably bang this chick if she wanted to hook up, she’s still a complete stranger, and Lilly’s details are private. I doubt her dad, Elliot, would want me blabbing her details to random girls.

Actually, I know for a fact he’d hate it, because he lectures me on a regular basis about using Lilly to score dates.

Which I haven’t actually done in a few months…since I haven’t been in or lived in town.

But now I’m back for the semester to help out at the University, back on the dating app, and back in action—so to speak.

Still. This isn’t just any little girl; this is my goddaughter, my niece, and my job is to protect her. The days of me using her as chick bait are over. I learned my lesson the one time a girl took a selfie with Lilly, posted it on Instagram, and tagged Annabelle—Lilly’s mother—in the photo.

Wow. I got my ass chewed out for that…